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Effective Communication: Speaker/Listener

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Communication is one of the most commonly sited struggles that couples face.

“We just can’t seem to communicate.”

“If only she would say what she means instead of making me try and guess.”

“If she would stop her nagging.”

“If he would open up to me.”

The list goes on and on.  Why is it that we have such a hard time communicating?  I believe that there are primarily two reasons that we struggle.  One reason is that we are selfish.  We want to be heard but don’t really want to hear what the other person has to say.   We long to be understood and validated.   Yet for some reason we have a difficult time offering that same understanding and validation to others.  When they speak we respond with a quick “I understand what you are saying” when we have really been planning our own come back the whole time they were speaking.  We act like we already know what the other person is thinking and feeling.  We want to be right at all costs, even if it means damaging the relationship.  We want to appear smart, superior, or powerful, without consideration for the other person.  Ultimately, we want to have it on our own terms, in our own way.

The second reason we have trouble communicating can be attributed to a lack of skill. We really truly do want to communicate our needs AND hear the needs of others, but it is hard, our emotions get in the way and we end up going in circles around topics.  The good news is that there are skills that can be taught to improve the effectiveness of your communication.

John Maxwell once said that “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.”  This principle is also applicable to communication. When you decide to put your thoughts and emotions aside momentarily, so that you can really hear what the other person is saying in their own words, you will communicate respect and love to the other person.  Ideally this will be reciprocated and they will also take the time to hear and understand your perspective.

Often times we will get so caught up in arguing that we actually end up spinning our wheels in arguments.  Throughout the conversation we pinball back and forth between many topics and accusations. When this happens nothing is accomplished and typically both people leave the conversation feeling frustrated.

John Gottman has taught several couples a technique for conversation called the “Speaker/Listener” Technique.  In this technique individual’s alternate taking on the role of Speaker and Listener in order to allow for each person to be heard and understood.

BASIC guidelines:

1.) Both individuals will have an opportunity to be the “speaker” and be the “listener”.   The speaker is the one who is trying to convey the message.  They are responsible for communicating their thoughts, feelings, and desires.  The listener is responsible for hearing and understanding what the speaker is saying.

2.) Only ONE person can be the speaker at a time.  When the speaker is speaking the listener should refrain from interrupting the speaker.  Interruptions can cause the individual to loose their train of thought and hinder the message the speaker is trying to communicate.  Questions for clarification can be done once the speaker has finished speaking.

3.) You can only address one issue at a time.  When using this technique it is important to stay on one specific issue.  The deeper roots or meaning of the conversation can be drawn out through the conversation and there may be a broad stream of applications once the discussion has ended.  However, during the conversation it is helpful to stay focused on one specific topic.

4.) When you are the “speaker” you share your viewpoints.  When you are the speaker your job is to share your own view points.  NOT to comment or infer the viewpoints or feelings of  the other person.  To do this you will want to use “I” statements.

5.)  When you are the “Listener” you make sure that you are correctly understanding the message the speaker is trying to relay.  Your job as the listener is to get acknowledgement from the speaker that you have accurately and completely understood what they are saying.  This is different from simply saying “I understand”.  What you are going for is for the speaker to identify that you, as the listener are understanding them.

SPEAKER guidelines:

1.)  Keep your sentences and the amount of information your share at one time short.  Use simple sentences, with concrete examples.  Avoid exaggeration, mindreading, and generalizations.  Try to share only 3 or 4 sentences before checking in for understanding.

2.) Use “I” statements.  These statements identify specifically what you think, feel or experience.  For example, “I feel hurt when you don’t discuss your day with me.  It is important to me that we reflect on our days together.”

3.) Be specific.  Give concrete example of behavior and what it is that is troublesome for you.  Example:  “For the past week you have gone directly to bed without talking to me.”  Next, you could use the “I” statement from above.

4.) Check-in frequently to make sure your message is being accurately received.  After you have shared 3 or 4 sentences ask for the listener to paraphrase what they have understood you to say.

LISTENER guidelines:

1.)  Wait for the speaker to stop speaking and then paraphrase what you have understood them to say including the emotion they are expressing.  This is not the same as saying word for word what the other person has said, rather it is expressing the general meaning and/or emotion that the speaker shared.  For example; “I am understanding that you are hurt by the fact that we have not had time to talk before going to bed.”

2.) After paraphrasing ask if you have understood the message correctly.  Simply ask “Is that correct?”  “Am I understanding you correctly?”  By doing this you are allowing the speaker the opportunity to clarify their position or more accurately express their emotion, if you have misunderstood them in any way.  If you have understood them correctly you are allowing them an opportunity to validate that you have in fact understood the message they were trying to communicate.  If you have understood them correctly you then switch roles and repeat the process until both parties are satisfied that they have been adequately (although perhaps not perfectly ) understood by the other person.

3.) Pay attention to your own physical responses to the messages you are hearing.  Make sure you are not engaging in any of the dangerous communication styles.  (see article https://confidenthope.blog/2019/04/03/dangerous-communication/)  If you find yourself engaging in dangerous communication you can always request a “time out”.  (see article https://confidenthope.blog/?s=time+out)

Once both individuals are satisfied that the problem and needs have been identified you can then move on to the problem solving portion of the discussion.

PROBLEM SOLVING: 

1.)  Share specifically what you would like the outcome to be.  Example:  “I would like for you to spend time with me before bed talking to me about your day and asking me about my day.”  Then add how that could benefit both of you.  “If you were to do that I would feel less lonely and we would be more connected and have a stronger relationship.”  If both individuals are in agreement then the conversation can finish there.

2.) Brainstorming.  Think of all possible solutions to your problem and write them down.  Even write down solutions that seem unfeasible or undesirable.  Write out the pros and cons of each solution.  Together narrow the list down to viable options.  In those options try to uncover common ground and win/win solutions.Try to determine which areas you already are both in agreement on and decide on solutions where both of you “win”.

3.)  Compromise.  Try to determine which areas you are willing to give up or let go of without jeopardizing your self respect, morals, or boundaries.  There may be an area where you are able to practice being sacrificial out of love for the other person.

4.) Take a break.  If there are no satisfactory options for  a solution you can take some time to brainstorm some options, or take a break and come back to the conversation at a later date and try to share some new possible solutions.

Special note:  When you try this technique out you may find it helpful to first start with a topic that is a topic that you do not feel very passionately about.  As you get more skilled with the technique you can try it in other areas that are more emotionally charged for you and your partner.  By choosing a topic with low emotional intensity you are allowing yourself the freedom to practice your skills as a speaker and as a listener.  At first it may not seem like you are accomplishing much, but in reality you are learning the art of effective communication which will go a long way in enhancing all your relationships.

DEVOTIONAL:

Why is being quick to listen and understand so hard?  I assume it is because we want to fix things, to appear knowledgeable, to share our opinions and thoughts.  It is easy to hear what someone else is saying or struggling with and quickly share our expertise.  Unfortunately this often leads to misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and arguments.  In our haste to solve things we forget to listen to the details, the deeper meanings, and true underlying needs and fears.  The bible often warns us to pay attention to our speech, it talks about the power of our words to bring healing and life, or destruction and death.  We are encouraged to truly listen to others, to try to understand their perspective and their reasoning.  This can be especially challenging if we have our own agenda and opinions.  Sadly, when it comes to listening to understand we often fall short.  We can’t seem to listen to the debate without jumping in and attacking the other side with our own reasons and truth supporting our own viewpoint.   This does nothing to create peace nor does it bring justice, all it does is create anger, despair and division.  In our quest to be understood, have things our own way or be “right” we can inadvertently push the other person aside and destroy our relationships.  Jesus was a master communicator.  I can imagine him lingering with people and listening to their stories.  I can imagine him asking them questions that would draw them out of their shells and give a voice to what was happening in their hearts.  I can imagine him listening to their pain and suffering without condemnation, then offering a perfect mixture of truth and grace which would ultimately bring hope, healing and solutions.   One of the many examples is when Jesus was talking to Peter and asking him “Do you love me?”, and allowing Peter to ponder the rich meaning of the question.  I can imagine Jesus took time with the conversation.  He didn’t demand an apology.  He didn’t rehash every detail of how Peter went wrong.  He didn’t crush Peter with all the “facts” of why he should have listened to him.  Instead, he allowed for clarification, for responses, for back and forth discussion, until the true meaning of what He was saying was clear to Peter.  In this brief conversation you can see the elements of respect, restoration, and love.  This should be our goal in our conversations; to leave others better then when we found them.

PRAYER

Heavenly Father, 

Guard my mouth.  I often am quick to speak.  I can unintentionally, and sometimes intentionally, say things that hurt other people.  Sometimes I am so quick to share my thoughts and my answers that I forget to even take the time to figure out what the real issue is or I ignore the fact that the other person might have information that I do not have.  Help me to value and respect all people.  Give me the grace to listen.  Teach me to hear what others are saying and to look for common ground.  Allow me to share truth bravely and clearly without being mean spirited or hurtful.  Uncover the motivations of my own heart, weed out anything that would get in the way of me being able to point others to you.  Let my interactions be marked by truth, love and respect.  

In Jesus Name, Amen

SCRIPTURE VERSES:

James 1:19 “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this, everyone should be slow to speak, quick to listen and slow to become angry,”

Proverbs 10:19 “Sin is not ended by multiplying words, but the prudent hold their tongues.”

Ephesians 4:29  “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”

Proverbs 15:1 “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”

Proverbs 18:2  “Fools find no pleasure in understanding but delight in airing their own opinions.”

 

TIME OUT!: When and how to take a break from a conversation when things are going badly.

Take a breakYou know the feeling, you are in a “heated discussion” and you can feel the heat rising in you, you spew out venomous words that pierce the heart of person you are speaking to.  You can hear yourself speaking and know that you need to stop but you just can’t seem to keep your mouth shut.  Or perhaps you’re able to say nice words but your face is exposing the truth of what you are thinking.  Or maybe you’re not the one causing the trouble (with your words and/or face) this time….perhaps you have been the one on the receiving end of this kind of treatment.  Whether you are the giver or the receiver these are not fun conversations to be a part of, and honestly they are not typically productive.  So what can you do in these situations?

One thing that can sometimes be helpful is taking a break from the conversation.  Often when you notice that you are engaging in a form of negative communication you may need to step back and regroup before trying to re-engage in the conversation.  (For more information on negative or dangerous communication check out this article  https://confidenthope.blog/2019/04/03/dangerous-communication/The following are some practical tips on when and how to take a break from the conversation.

KNOW WHEN YOU NEED A BREAK.  Ask yourself about your own behavior:  1.) Am I just repeating myself over and over?  2.)  Have I completely shut down?  3.) Am I consistently interrupting them to defend myself or make a point?  3.) Am I treating being disrespectful with my words (cussing at them, name calling) 4.)  Am I thinking of what I am going to say next while they are talking instead of trying to listen to them?   5.) Am I yelling/screaming/being physically violent?  If you answered “yes” to any of these a break may be a good idea.  If you answered “yes” to number 5 you definitely need a break.

Consider their behavior. 1.)  Are they completely ignoring you/shutting you out?  2.)  Are they just saying what you want to hear so the conversation will end?  3.)  Are they constantly interrupting you, talking over you, twisting your words?  4.)  Are they making sweeping generalizations, making excuses, casting blame,  or trying to shame or humiliate you? Are they yelling, screaming, verbally demeaning you, threatening you, intimidating you, or physically harming you?

If you answered “yes”  to any one of these you need to take a break from the conversation.

Consider the conversation.  1.)  Has the conversation stalled?  You both just keep repeating the same things over and over with no new understanding or solutions.  2.)  Are you all over the place with the conversation topic discussing EVERY issue instead of focusing on the issue at hand?  3.)  Are the points that are being made mostly vague generalizations that consist of words like ‘always’, ‘never’, ‘everybody’, ‘nobody’?

If you answered “yes” to any one of these you may need to take a break from the conversation.

HOW TO TAKE A BREAK

Here is the common scenario:  One person gets fed up.  Screams “I’M DONE!!!”  Leaves and slams the door.  At some undefined point the person returns, possibly there is an apology or perhaps the silent treatment.  Sometimes one of the people is still angry and becomes passive aggressive (think slamming pots and pans, murmuring under the breath or goes silent) while the other one is ready to move on and just ignore what happened.  Obviously this does not work, yet we do it all the time.  Both people are still angry, there is no structure, no closure, no guidelines, and worst of all the problems are still there.   But there is hope, there is a better way…. Consider this what if one person took responsibility for saying they needed a break, offered a time when they could re-engage in the conversation and had a plan of what they would do with their time during the break.  Here is what that might sound like:  “I know this is important, but I really need a break from this conversation right now.   I’m so frustrated I can’t think right.  I’m going to go to the gym for an hour and will be back by 7:00.  That will give me some time to cool down so I can really try to work through this with you.”  I believe that would go a lot better then the previous scenario.  So how can you make this happen?

Here are some guidelines:

1.) Discuss the concept of “taking a break” with your partner PRIOR to any heated discussions.  Agree together that this is something you are both willing to try.  Review the rules together and agree on them.  Don’t wait until the middle of an argument to try to explain and initiate the concept.

2.)  Use I statements when calling for a break.  “I feel (emotion).  I need a break.  I am going to go do (state activity) and will come back at (time) to revisit this conversation.”

3.)  You can only ask for a break for yourself.  You do not get to say, “It seems like you are getting really angry.  You should take a break and cool off.”  You can say, “I am frustrated and need a break from the conversation.”

4.)  You cannot refuse to grant the other person the break request.  This may be difficult because there are often things that need to be discussed and timing is important.  In those cases you may need to allow the person to take the break, but also continue forward with necessary action until the disagreement is resolved.  When you are wanting to continue the discussion and the other person has called for a break, try to remember that nothing will get resolved by them staying in the conversation when they are stating that they need a break.

5.)  If you are calling for a break you need to have a time limit for the break.  Breaks can be anywhere from 5-10 minutes, to 24 hours depending on how much time you think you will need to collect your thoughts, cool your emotions, and try to understand the perspective of the other person.  Breaks should not last longer then 24 hours.  At the end of the break you need to re-initiate the conversation.

6.) You need to have a plan for during your break.  Find something that helps you to relieve physical and emotional stress.  Some ideas are:  exercise, journaling, music prayer, meditation, etc. Your break should NOT include alcohol or drugs since these substances may interfere with your ability to maintain emotional regulation.

7.)  Both partners need to take reflect during the break.  Try to think through what the other person was saying.  Is it possible that you were you misunderstanding them?  Try to really understand their perspective even if you do not agree with them.  Also consider your own behaviors.  Which dangerous communication patterns did you engage in?  Is there anything you owe them an apology for?  Try to re-think of ways you can state what you were trying say so that it is able to be ‘heard’ by the other person.  Is there any common ground in the discussion you can both share?

8.)  Re-engage in the conversation at the time you promised.  By adhering to your commitment to revisit the the conversation at the agreed on time you are building trust in your relationship.  If you are still too frustrated to engage in the conversation, at least go to your partner and let them know you need a little more time.  Set another time and come back and try again then.

BUT WHY GO THROUGH ALL THIS?

You may be asking why is this even necessary?  Maybe you’re saying, “Isn’t better if I just let it all out, vent my feelings, rather than keeping it all bottled up?”  Or perhaps you thoughts are more along the line of “if I just keep quiet this will all pass and we can move on”.  But the truth is that in most cases we need to have tools to appropriately handle conflict in ways that address the issues at hand while maintaining the dignity of the other person and our self respect.  Taking a break accomplishes these things.  It allows for you to set boundaries on behaviors you will not tolerate.  It gives you the structure to ask for and get your needs met.  It helps prevent you from engaging in behaviors that may cause harm to the other person.  Lastly, it helps to build the character traits of self discipline, perseverance, as well as building confidence, trust and hope in the relationship.

PRAYER:

Heavenly Father,

I confess that it is really, REALLY hard to give up an argument and take a break when I believe I am right, or that what I have to say is important.  I ask that you help me to follow your example of love, discipline, and sacrifice.  Help me to use words that are kind, true and necessary.  Help me to not be so determined to prove my point that I forget to lift you up and allow room for your Holy Spirit to work.

Sometimes, it is difficult for me to even recognize that I need a break during a conversation.  Please through your spirit keep my eyes open to times when I need to step away from others and draw near to you.  Place your hand over my mouth so that no unwholesome words pass through.  Teach me to trust in you and your ability to bring clarity, unity , peace, and true victory.

Thank you for loving me even when I act less then lovely.  Protect those who have to patiently tolerate my outbursts.  Surround me with people who will faithfully speak truth to me and encourage me to love others as you do.

In Jesus Name-Amen

SCRIPTURE VERSES

We all stumble in many ways. Anyone who is never at fault in what they say is perfect, able to keep their whole body in check.  James 3:2

My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry,  James 1:19

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:1

Dangerous Communication

Communication is the essence of good relationships.  When we communicate well with others we feel empowered and respected.  When communication breaks down relationships become strained and sources of stress rather than enjoyment.  In fact one of the number one difficulties couples admit to having in their relationships is poor communication.

Scripture has a lot to say about communication and how we use our words.  In the book of James it talks about how such a small part of our bodies (our tongue) has such power and can do tremendous destruction.  In the book of Ephesians it gives instructions on how we are to only speak words that will build people up or in other ways be beneficial to them.  In fact all through out scripture we are given instructions regarding how to communicate.  Still many of us struggle when we are “in the moment” of a heated or uncomfortable conversation.  Let’s examine a few of the types of dangerous ways in which we communicate that sabotage our relationships and what we can do about them.

NEGATIVE INTERPRETATION:  is when you evaluate another persons actions, thoughts, feelings or intentions negatively without checking the facts.

What to do if you’re the one doing it:  Check the facts!  You do not have the ability to read the mind or know the feelings of other individuals.  It is up to them to tell you what they are thinking and feeling.

What to do if you think it is being done to you:  One thing you can do if you believe that someone may be misunderstanding you is to ask them to repeat what they are hearing you say.  Another thing you can do is restate, specifically and concisely what you are thinking or feeling and the reasons behind those thoughts and feelings.

BLAMING, SHAMING, DEFENSIVENESS:  is when you turn the focus in a negative way on to the other person.

What to do if you’re the one doing it:  This can be really hard because typically when you are the one doing it you are feeling guilty, ashamed, frustrated or attacked and this is your way of getting out of the conversation.  When you feel this way it is really hard to listen to what the other person is saying.  You may need to take a break from the conversation while you evaluate what your underlying feelings are and the reasons why you feel like you do.  When you do re-engage in the conversation try to really listen to what the other person is saying without commenting on WHY you did or didn’t do or say something.

What if it is being done to you:  Typically this is done as a means of derailing the conversation and getting it off track so the other person will not feel pressure.  If you are the target of the the blame and shame you will need to continue to stick to the topic at hand (even if you sound like a broken record), identify specific feelings and behaviors, and avoid generalizations.  It may be helpful to stick to very specific facts and I statements.  For example:  “I feel overwhelmed when I see the sink full of dishes.”

WITHDRAWL: (also known as stone-walling) is when a person shuts down and refuses to engage in the conversation.

What to do if you’re the one doing it:  Try to determine why it is that you are shutting down.  Do you feel attacked?  Do you believe that the other person is not listening to you or hearing you?  Do you believe that it is an argument that always gets talked about and never gets solved?  Do you feel like you are in a no win situation?  Once you have identified your thoughts and feelings you can then try to engage in the conversation using the ‘speaker-listener’ technique or request a ‘time out’ to collect your thoughts and resume the conversation at a later time.

What if it is being done to you:  You can identify the behavior and take on the listener role in order to try to understand the other person’s point of view and move the conversation forward.  If you are unable to move the conversation forward you can ask for a ‘time out’ in an effort to allow tensions cool down and resume the conversation at a later time.

INVALIDATION:  is what we think of as classic teenage behavior…think rolling the eyes, using sweeping generalizations such as always and never, sarcasm, mimicking, etc.  Basically it is anything (verbal or body language) that seeks to devalue the other person.

What to do if you’re the one doing it:  Try to be aware of your body language, especially your face!    Use words that are accurate and clearly describe and reflect specifically what is going on.  Avoid generalizations.  Acknowledge when you engage in an invalidating response, apologize, and try again to listen respectfully or speak.

What if it is being done to you:  Respectfully acknowledge the behavior and request that it stop.  If the behavior continues let them know that you will not continue in the discussion until they can treat you respectfully.

ESCALATION: includes yelling, screaming, cussing, name calling,  belittling, intimidating, and threatening.  Once either person is engaging in escalation it is unlikely that any healthy progress will be made in the communication.  Additionally, if escalation is allowed to continue without being stopped to can lead can to emotional and/or physical abuse.

What to do if you’re the one doing it:  As soon as you notice you are escalating  take a break from the discussion to regain your composure.  During your break from the conversation make sure you engage in activities that will cool your anger.  Some good examples are: exercise, breathing techniques, meditation, or journaling.  After you have cooled down you may realize you need to apologize or maybe you become aware that you may not have completely understood the other person’s point of view.  If either of these are the case, apologize first and then take the role of the listener and try again to understand what the other person was trying to communicate.

What if it is being done to you:  If you are in a conversation and the other person is escalating you can try to inform the other person that you will not continue the conversation if they continue with the escalating behavior.  For example:  “I will not continue with this conversation if you are going to call me names.”  If the behavior continues stop the conversation and remove yourself from the area.  You can re-engage once you and the other person have had some time to cool off.  If the behavior has continued to the point where you are in a physically dangerous situation or the person will not allow you to leave the discussion you may need to seek additional help from legal authorities or from other professionals?

SELF REFLECTION:

Which of the communication styles above is your “go to” when you are angry, hurt, or frustrated?  Let me challenge you to work on changing that.  Here are a couple of ideas:  1.)  Ask someone who is close to you which one of the styles they have experienced you using and have them share how it made them feel.  Do this without rationalizing, explaining or defending your behavior.  Your only job is to listen to their feedback.  2.)  Prepare ahead of time for conversations that you know may be challenging.  Visualize yourself engaging in the conversation in a healthy manner.  Practice words that will move the conversation rather than stop the conversation.  Be intent on LISTENING to and REALLY HEARING what the other person is trying to communicate.  3.)  Catch yourself in the act of engaging in that behavior and intentionally stop and try to re-engage in the conversation in a healthier manner.

PRAYER:

Heavenly Father, 

I really truly want my words to be used as a means of encouraging and inspiring others. Teach me how to communicate well.  Teach me to not put up barriers when communicating with others.  Open my eyes and ears so that I might see the ways I allow my words and actions to interfere with communication.  Also, help me to draw out others so that when they communicate with me they feel safe sharing with me knowing that I am really trying to hear and understand them.  Bless my communication so that it might be pleasing to you and respectful to others.

In Jesus Name- Amen 

BIBLE VERSES:

We put a small piece of metal in the mouth of a horse to make it obey us. We can control the whole animal with it. And how about ships? They are very big. They are driven along by strong winds. But they are steered by a very small rudder. It makes them go where the captain wants to go. In the same way, the tongue is a small part of a person’s body. But it talks big. Think about how a small spark can set a big forest on fire.  James 3:3-5

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. Ephesians 4:29

 

Designed: Experiences and Memories

experiencesShe was abused and that’s why she….(fill in the blank).

What did you choose to fill that in with?  That’s why she hates men.  That’s why she advocates for others.  That’s why she doesn’t trust anyone.  That’s why she clings to people.  That’s why she keeps to herself.  That’s why she looks for attention.

How you chose to fill in that blank may have more to do with your own personal experiences then with the actual truth.  As you looked at that sentence and filled in the blank, how old was the girl you pictured?  What type of abuse did she endure?  Who perpetrated that abuse?  How did she handle the abuse?  None of that information was provided in the question, yet you came up with an answer.  How you came up with the answer probably has a lot to do with your personal experiences and memories.

Each person is comprised of a unique set of experiences throughout their lifetime.  Even though we may go through similar things, how we process the information is based on our individual personality, our genetic make-up, and our environment.  All of these things combine to mold each experience into an intensely personal unique event.  From those series of events we create a lens through which we predict outcomes, view the world, and see other people.  Throughout your life time these views and expectations are subject to change because you are always acquiring new information and assimilating it through your own unique way of viewing the world.  This is why two people can experience the same exact event and recall it differently.  Likewise people who experience the same event can be affected or be changed in different ways.  One example would be of two twin children from the same family, treated in the same manner who grew up in poverty.  One of them may continue the lifestyle, being trapped and bound by the circumstances he was brought up in and attribute it to the fact that he was raised in poverty.  The other child may break out of that cycle and become a wealthy person and attribute it to the fact that he was raised in poverty.  Both would honestly be stating their experience, their memory, and their reasoning; as well as correctly attributing the outcome in part to their previous experiences.

QUICK DEFINITIONS:

Before we dig too deeply into the subject, let’s quickly review what each of these words mean.

World View: a particular philosophy of life or conception of the world.

Belief: an acceptance that a statement is true or that something exists.

Values: a person’s principles or standards of behavior; one’s judgment of what is important in life

Expectations: a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future.

KEY THOUGHTS:

Our experiences shape our world view, beliefs, and values.  What you experience in your lifetime will effect how you see people and what you treasure.  You may see people as primarily good or as primarily bad.  Perhaps you believe that people are usually out for themselves, or perhaps you believe that everyone really is looking out for each other.  Maybe you have taken great risks and it has turned out well so you continue to take big risks believing it will work out.  Or maybe you have been very careful throughout your life and that has helped you to always be prepared for events that have come your way.  There are many things that have gone into creating the unique person you are with the unique way of looking at the world that you have.  This is part of the treasure of who you are and what you have to offer the world.

Our experiences shape our expectations.  If every Christmas since I was born I would wake up Christmas morning to a happy family and bunches of presents, it is safe to assume that I will probably expect that the next time Christmas comes I will be anticipating a good day.  On the other hand, if Christmas was always a time when my family members fought, there were no gifts, and people were miserable, it is likely that I will expect that on the next Christmas morning things will not go well.  Both sets of expectations are shaped by previous experiences.  We all have expectations, bias, and values that are a result of our experiences.  Often times they are so intrinsic, so woven into who we are, that we don’t even realize they are there until someone does or says something that we would have never expected or anticipated.  In that moment we struggle through confusion to understand their way of thinking or defend our way of thinking.

Not everything that happens to you is your fault.  Sometimes our memories and previous experiences create a scenario in our minds that we are to blame for the bad things we have endured.  While it is true that sometimes our poor choices have led to specific consequences,  it is also true that we sometimes have negative experiences through no fault of our own.  If your parents divorced, you suffered abuse, you were neglected, you were abandoned, you were the victim of a crime or some other trauma it did not stem from your own doing.  However, it is still true that it is a part of your experience and will still undoubtedly shape your your expectations, beliefs, world view and values.  Children are especially prone to magical thinking in which they will believe they are the cause of many of life’s bad experiences.  That type of thinking can easily follow a child into adulthood keeping them in bondage to a faulty belief system about who they are and what they are worth.  These experiences will also effect how you see and experience other people in the future.

Not all memories give a complete picture.  As humans we are limited to our own experience.  We can empathize with another person’s experience, but we can not 100% experience things they way they experience them, and we can not process they events exactly as they process them.  Even if we experience the same exact experience we will each capture, internalize, and assimilate different aspects of the experience.  For example a husband and wife may have a child who gets into trouble with drugs, yet each parent will experience that struggle differently.  They will each highlight different parts of that struggle. They will each respond in their own unique way to that pain.  In later years when asked to recall the event it is likely that they will each have a slightly different version of the story because different things stood out to them.  This is one of the reasons that collateral testimonies are collected.  Not necessarily because people are lying, but simply because they are remembering different parts.  So, when you are rehearsing your memories remember that there is room for other vantage points that could still be true even though different, of the same event.

Your experiences help shape you, they don’t define you.  Your experiences are part of who you are, but they are not the sum total.  If you have suffered with addiction, depression, divorce, infertility, abuse (the list could go on forever!)….YOU ARE NOT WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO YOU!  You can only be defined by your creator! He has the final say on who you are. (Review the article on Designed: Identity at   https://confidenthope.blog/?s=identity)  Never allow your experiences to decide for you what you will become or accomplish.  You are substantially more then all of your experiences.  You exist outside of them.

You can choose differently.  One of the great things about being human is that you can make choices.  You can choose to acknowledge some of the things that have happened to you and decide how you want to respond in the future.  It may take some practice, especially if you have been responding one way for your whole life and now you are deciding you will be doing things differently…BUT IT CAN BE DONE!

You can allow other people to be different than you.  Once you are aware that your experiences have shaped your world views, expectations and values you can allow other people to have their unique sets of values, views, and expectations.  You do not disappear simply because other people exist.  Their experiences have helped them become the people they are today.

Own your experiences and memories.  Good or bad your experiences happened.  They were real.  You lived through them.  Be honest with yourself and others about what has happened to you in your lifetime and how you recall those events and how they shaped you.  They are a part of you who you are.  Wear your physical and emotional scars with dignity because it is evidence that you survived and that gives hope to others.  Be aware that those experiences will color how you see other things.

Fault and responsibility.  While you may not be at fault for everything that has happened to you, you do bear the responsibility to manage those experiences and how they play out in your everyday life.  For example, if I were to step on your foot and break it, that would be my fault.  However the responsibility to get medical treatment for healing would be up to you.  Even though I would be at fault I can not see the doctor, get the x-rays, wear the cast, or do the physical therapy needed to recover.  Only you can do those things.  Many things that happen may be the fault of someone else, they may not be fair, they may hurt, and you may have every right to all the thoughts and feelings that go along with the experience.  Just bear in mind that you also have the responsibility to acknowledge what you experienced and how it has effected you.  You can take responsibility and use your experiences to help you into the kind of person you desire to be or you can allow those experiences to shape you into their mold.

DEVOTION:

I can’t help but think of the women at the well.  The fact that she had gone to get water in the heat of the day seems to indicate that her experiences had taught her that she would be ridiculed by the other women, so she learned to adjust her behavior to avoid their scorn.  She had learned to value hiding who she was and possibly had secretly accepted the truth of their accusations into her heart.  Initially she seemed to respond to Jesus with suspicion asking questions and giving limited answers.  Perhaps through her experiences with men she had learned to be cautious with men. Or maybe she had learned that men were deceptive, not to be trusted.  Either way in her limited time with Jesus it appears that her previous expectations, beliefs and views were challenged and possibly changed.  When Jesus asked her about her husband and she gave him a veiled answer. Jesus spoke truth to her, He challenged her, He treated her with dignity and offered her hope.  I believe through her experience with Jesus her views changed, and from there her life changed.   Just think….Now her story is one of hope!  She is included in the Bible, not as a shame filled, disgraceful woman, but instead as someone who carries the light and hope of Jesus.  Her past experiences led her to the one who could redeem her!

That’s what Jesus can do for us too.  He can heal our past experiences.  He doesn’t make them disappear, but He can redeem them for good.  He can use every single thing that you have ever been through to His glory.  None of you pain will ever be wasted when you put it in Jesus’ hands.

SCRIPTURES

 

Story of the woman at the well.  (John 4:4-42)

As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today.  (Genesis 50:20)

You keep track of all my sorrows.  You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.  (Psalm 56:8)

For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.  (Ephesians 2:10)

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!  (2 Corinthians 5:17)

And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony, and they did not love their lives to the death. (Revelation 12:11)

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.  (Romans 8:28)

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.  (2 Corinthians 1:3-4)

PRAYER:

Heavenly Father,

You have seen me on my darkest days.  You know of all the things I have done wrong.  Every. Single. Thing.  Still you choose to use me.  You seek me out.  You pursue me and allow me to be a part of your master plan.

You also know of the pain I have suffered at the hands of others.  You have seen every tear I have cried…and your heartbreaks  under the weight of the pain I have endured.  Even in my darkest hour You never abandoned me.  Even when I was filled with bitterness, resentment, and hatred toward those who had done me wrong, You didn’t turn your back on me, or hide your face from me.

Help me to allow you to shine through all of my experiences.  Redefine how I interpret all of my memories and experiences so that they are in perfect alignment with your truth.  Help me to think with your mind, with your spirit, with your heart.  Heal me in ways that will bring Your hope to others that they might know that you are God and an ever present help in times of trouble.

Thank you that you are my Redeemer!  

In Jesus Name- Amen

REFLECTIONS:

1.)  Think for a moment on the events from your childhood.  Remember some of your greatest, most fond moments.  What did they teach you about yourself?  What did you learn about the people in your life?  Now think about some of the lowest, saddest, most hurtful times.  What did they teach you about yourself?  What did you learn about the people in your life?  Now, think about the truth and hope of Jesus.  Allow Him to shed light, love, and truth on those experiences.  When you look through His eyes how do you see yourself?  How do you see others?

2.)  What values and world views do you hold?  How did you come to those conclusions?  Why are they important to you?  Compare them to scripture.  What does the Bible say?

ACTIVITY OPTIONS:

1.)  In your journal draw a line through the middle of one of the pages.  Below the line write your most memorable negative experiences.  The more negative they were the lower you write them.  Above the line write your most positive experiences.  The more positive they are the higher you write them.  Write them in chronological order.  Journal what you learned from each of those experiences?  How do they still affect you today?  Take them to the Lord in prayer.

2.)  What are some things that bring back strong memories for you?  Ex. a certain song, a certain smell, a specific place.  Recall the memory in detail.  Try to get a sense of what other people in the memory may have thought, felt or experienced.  *Do NOT do this with any memory that is specifically tied to abuse or trauma.

3.)  Ask a someone about their personal experiences, memories, values, beliefs.  Learn about their values and world views.  Try to listen without defending your own position.  Try to understand their experience from their perspective.  If necessary allow yourself to disagree without needing to vocalize your disagreement.  Process your own feelings about the conversation in your journal after the experience.

Let’s Talk About Shame and Guilt (Designed: Emotions)

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Dark, wet, cold, and heavy…perfect words to describe those guilty shame filled feelings that linger making you wonder if you will ever again feel the warmth of hope, the joy of freedom, confidence to pursue people and things you once loved.

Guilt and shame are two words that are unfortunately, intimately and personally familiar to me.  I have been guilty of wide variety of offenses and have felt ashamed of my actions more times then I care to remember.  Sometimes the reminders of my wrong doings are from people who were hurt by my actions.  Sometimes it’s from lingering consequences that I face.  Most frequently the shame and feelings of guilt arise from within.   On my worse days I rehearse my flaws and failures and use it as a form of self inflicted torture to feed what feels like the insatiable appetite of shame.  If that weren’t enough I also listen to the enemy as he hisses deep into my being “With all that you’ve done wrong you’ll never be good enough, you can never measure up.  Who do you think you are?  Get out now before you are humiliated!” or  “There you go again, screwing up like you always do.  You’ll never get what you want because you always mess things up.  You don’t deserve those good things.  You should stop now before you make an even bigger fool of yourself.”

If this sounds familiar to you please know you are not crazy and you are not alone.   Many of us struggle with this particular battle.  In the heat of it we long for the false security of being alone, hiding from people and relationships, yet in that isolation the “proof” of how awful we are is magnified and screams in the silence.  The answers for victorious healing can only be found in the things we most dread doing….to gain true victory there needs to be acknowledgement/confession, acceptance, repentance, restitution, forgiveness, grace and confident hope…all of which can only be found in the light of relationship.

I hope you will have the courage to continue reading to discover practical tools to help  you secure victory in this battle.

Let’s first make sure we have clear definitions and understandings of the words guilt and shame.  Guilt is “the fact of having committed a specified or implied offense or crime.”  This means it is tied to something specific you have done that was wrong, hurtful, mean, immoral, illegal, or unethical .  If I have told a lie, then I am guilty of lying.  This is true and legitimate guilt. I did something wrong and I feel guilty about it.  In a healthy environment this kind of guilt should help prompt me to move forward to make things right.  The unpleasant emotion may also help keep me from making the same mistake again.

There is also such a thing as “false guilt”.  This occurs when I feel guilty over something I have not done wrong. Here is an example of false guilt.  Let’s say you are invited to go out to work with friends but you decide you really don’t have the energy to go out so you decline the invitation.  Afterwards you feel guilty because you said no.  This is false guilt because you didn’t actually do anything wrong, you simply enforced a boundary around your time and energy.  In this example your guilty feelings are not tied to a hurtful, mean, immoral, illegal, or unethical action so therefore it must be tied to something else.  We will explore that in the next section on shame.

Shame is defined as “a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior.”  Feeling ashamed goes deeper than feeling guilty or embarrassed, it touches the core of who you are as a person.  It makes you doubt your goodness, your worth, and your identity.  It leaves you without significance or security.  This type of shame typically comes when you have committed some serious offenses or suffered serious or continuous  injury to your emotional self.    When you experience this type of shame you have difficulty validating your own worth which in turn can cause you to become hypersensitive to situations in which you feel you may loose the acceptance or admiration of other people.  In a mild sense you can become hypersensitive to guilt.  In that scenario you would tend to perceive that you have done something wrong when you haven’t, like in the situation previously discussed above.  In a severe cases it can lead to codependent or narcissistic tendencies.  Both feed off the fear of loosing other people’s validation, approval, and acceptance.  Shame thrives on fear and in isolation.  It makes it difficult to give or receive love because it places you in a mode of self protection that is not easily penetrated.

A good way to tell the difference is simply this:  Guilt says I did something bad, shame says I am bad.

HERE ARE SOME OF THE POTENTIAL INDICATORS OF GUILT AND SHAME:

Physical response:  covering ones face, looking down, avoiding eye contact, a sense of heat that radiates through the body, making your body become small, hunched shoulders, head down, tightness/heaviness in chest, upset stomach, crying.

Thoughts about Self:  I am bad.  I am worthless.  I always mess things up.  I was wrong.  It’s my fault.

Thoughts about God:  God couldn’t love me.  God can’t forgive me.  God won’t save me.

Our action/tendency/response:  Hide, place blame, avoid

Communication: “I did wrong.”  “I am bad.”

Guilt and shame indicate different needs: Guilt indicates a need to make things right.  Shame indicates a need for inner healing and forgiveness.

So what can I do? 

1.) Find the source of your true hope and identity.  It will always be difficult to overcome shame if you don’t have your source of identity secure in an unshakable, unchangeable source.  As Christians we know that source is Jesus.  There is nothing that you can do that will ever make you unlovable to Him (Romans 8:38-39). There is also nothing you can do that will make you more lovable to Him (Ephesians 2:8).  His love for you simply doesn’t depend on you.  He has said you are valuable and has paid the price for you with His life (Colossians 1:14). We have covered this topic in more depth in the following article:  Your True Identity: Your Roots (Designed: Roots) https://confidenthope.blog/2018/06/25/your-true-identity-your-roots-designed-roots/

If you are not a Christian, or you are not sure if you are a Christian, I beg you to please take the time to explore this.  You can reach out to your local church or other believers r you can follow these links:  How To Become A Christian http://www.sbc.net/knowjesus/theplan.asp  or How Can I Be Sure I’m Saved? https://www.christianitytoday.com/iyf/advice/faithdoubt/how-can-i-be-sure-im-saved.html

2.) Confession.  You know how it feels when you have done something wrong and it eats at you.  It gnaws away at your heart making you feel guilty.  Here is how you get rid of that feeling…CONFESS.  Go and admit you did wrong.First and foremost confess to God (1 John 1:9).  Admit your wrong doing and ask for His forgiveness.  You can also ask for His power in helping you continue with the rest of the confessing.    It is incredibly difficult to swallow your pride and admit wrong doing, but there is something freeing about humbling yourself and owning your mistakes.  Your confession is the first key to unlocking your freedom.  It may surprise you to know that your confession isn’t really about the other person.  It is something you do for yourself.  It is coming out of hiding, taking ownership, and regaining freedom and power.  Sometimes you are able to go to the other person directly and tell them you were wrong.  In those cases be prepared that your apology may not be met with kindness.  They may still respond out of hurt or anger.   Sometimes you won’t be able to confess directly to the person, it may be the person is unknown to you, passed away, or it may simply put you in a very dangerous situation.  In those cases my suggestion is that you symbolically do a confession (example write a letter to the person and then destroy the letter) or offer your confession to a trusted friend or pastor.  We are always to confess our sins to God but the bible is also clear that there is healing power in the act of confessing one to another. (James 5:16)

Just to be clear….confession and apology are not the same thing.  A proper apology includes a confession and is delivered for the person who was injured by your offense.  There are many people who are willing to confess to an offense, but remain unapologetic.  The reasons behind this are typically because the person was directly caught, they believe they were actually in the right or justified in their actions, or they are trying to avoid a stricter punishment.

3.) Repentance.  In Christian terms repentance is defined as “turning around”.  What this means is changing your behavior, trying to not make the same mistake twice.  When we repent of a wrong doing we agree that it was wrong and we desire to do right.  You can repent of your wrong doing and still fail again.  We are not perfect.  You do your best.  If you fail again, you go through the process again.  Think about what went wrong,  what is needed to do better, put new safe guards in place and try again.

4.) Forgiveness.  When dealing with our own personal shame and guilt we often have to examine forgiveness from a variety of angles.  First, we can go to God and seek His forgiveness.  He is faithful to ALWAYS forgive us and cleanse us no matter what our offense was He will forgive us (1John 1:9).  Next, we may need to forgive ourselves.  This can be a hard step to take.  You may feel that what you have done is so awful, so shameful that you do not deserve to ever be free from it.  Let me ask you this:  If a perfect, holy and just God, is willing to extend forgiveness to you as a GIFT what right do you have to harbor unforgiveness in your heart toward yourself?  His sacrifice was enough for you and whatever sins you have committed past, present and future.  It is His desire that you live in freedom from the bondage of your sins, He died to give you that freedom (Romans 8:1-4).  For more information on how to forgive yourself you can review this previous Confident Hope article Forgiving Myself  https://confidenthope.blog/?s=forgiving+myself

5.) Make things right (restitution).  We are a people who typically like to “do” things.  We like to have some type of evidence that we have repented and are trying to be better.  In some cases you are able to make things right through an action.  For example if you have stolen something you can return it with interest, or if you have lied you can tell the truth and allow others to check/verify the truthfulness of your statements until their trust in your words has returned.  The process of restitution can be painful, but it will often produce a sense of setting things right, and can go along way in restoring a relationship.

6.) Acceptance.  Some times we are not able to make restitution.  Some times we simply have to accept the fact that we have done something wrong and try to move forward.  Acceptance can be a hard thing to obtain.  When dealing with the emotions of shame and guilt you may need to accept the fact that you will sometimes do things that will cause you to feel guilty or ashamed.  Part of acceptance is allowing yourself to identify and feel the emotion in a non-judgmental way and then release the emotion.

If you try to work through these steps and are continuing to struggle with these emotions I suggest you seek out trusted friends, a small group, a coach, a pastor, or a professional counselor.  There is not a medication that will “fix” this for you.  These emotions are a common struggle and part of being human.  Healing and victory are something that has to be done in the context of healthy relationships.

Dealing with GUILT and/or SHAME?  Here is your challenge:

Think about where you are at with guilt and shame.  Are there things you need to do in order to relieve those painful emotions?  Review the steps outlined in this article.  Review some of the other resources that are listed.  What are the steps that you need to take?  Do those steps!

As we draw to a close, I am reminded specifically of two passages of scripture.  One is the story of Adam and Eve in the garden.  After they sinned they felt shame and tried to hide.  They longed for isolation because of their sin…BUT GOD CALLED OUT TO THEM!  He drew them back into relationship with him so he could restore and redeem them (Genesis 3:1-9).  There were still consequences that needed to be faced, but they no longer needed to hide in shame.  The other passage and scripture talks about how darkness cannot hide in the light (John 1:5).  It reminds me that when we shed light (truth, forgiveness, love, grace, mercy) on those shameful places those feelings will disappear.  As we bring them to the forefront and deal with them they become less powerful and sinister.

PRAYER: 

Heavenly Father,

This is such a painful subject.  It hurts my heart as I remember the things I have done that have caused me to feel ashamed.  I think of other people who are also currently struggling under the weight of poor decisions and hurtful words.  I know that you are the one with the power to heal and forgive and restore.  I ask that you strengthen me as I pursue freedom from shame.  Give me courage to face my fears.  Grant me grace to forgive others and myself even as you have forgiven me.  Let me not run from relationships, but instead help me press into them so that I may find healing for myself.  And also so that I may provide a place of healing for others. 

In Jesus Name-Amen

SCRIPTURE:

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:38-39)

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—(Ephesians 2:8)

For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins. (Colossians 1:14)

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our  purify us from all unrighteousness. (1 John 1:9)

Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective. (James 5:16)

Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus,  because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death.  For what the law was powerless to do because it was weakened by the flesh, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh to be a sin offering.  And so he condemned sin in the flesh,  in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the flesh but according to the Spirit. (Romans 8:1-4)

The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it. CH shame and guilt.

ADAM AND EVE IN THE GARDEN:  Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the Lord God had made. He said to the woman, “Did God really say, ‘You must not eat from any tree in the garden’?”

The woman said to the serpent, “We may eat fruit from the trees in the garden, but God did say, ‘You must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and you must not touch it, or you will die.’”

“You will not certainly die,” the serpent said to the woman.  “For God knows that when you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.”

When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it. Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves.

Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the Lord God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the Lord God among the trees of the garden.  But the Lord God called to the man, “Where are you?” (Genesis 3:1-9)

 

 

 

Let’s Talk About Anger (Designed: Emotions)

FB_IMG_1543874342397.jpg“STOP!  I HAVE HAD ENOUGH!  I SWEAR I CAN’T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!”

“I said I am fine!  Now please leave me alone!”

Both these statements are seething with anger.  Anger is a fundamental emotion to that every single person will experience several times through out their lifetime.  It can come out as shards of explosive rage injuring everyone in it’s path, or brew internally creating a cesspool of bitterness and resentment.  The ironic thing with anger is often times when you are dealing with someone who is angry YOU become angry, and if you are angry with someone they in turn become angry with you.  It seems as if anger is contagious.  Thankfully there are antidotes that will help you manage your own anger and can help soothe the anger of others.  Just as with all the other emotions we have examined you have a right to feel angry.  It is part of how you are designed.  Some people have been taught that anger is bad.  That believe that if they are angry it is a sin.  They refuse to openly acknowledge or express their anger.  They still feel angry, but they hide it and wrap it in a blanket of shame for even having the feeling.  They go through life burying the very emotions that God gave them to alert them to danger and trouble. On the other hand, while you have a right to the emotion you also have a responsibility in how you respond to that emotion. Some individual’s believe they must express every thing that makes them angry.  That they need to take control or they will be run over and taken advantage of.  They yell, intimidate, belittle, rage, and humiliate others in an effort to seek justice, to feel secure, or to remain in control.  In many cases this will lead to emotional or physical injury to the people who “bump into” this person’s anger.

So, exactly what is anger? The Cambridge dictionary defines anger as “the feeling people get when something unfair, painful, or bad happens”.  It is one of the primary emotions that we feel as human beings. Anger is neither good nor bad; it is simply an emotion.  What we do as a result of feeling angry is where the trouble can come in.  When we handle our anger in positive ways productive outcomes and lasting change can be made.  Poor management of one’s anger can result in damaged or ruined interpersonal relationships, poor work performance, destruction of property, physical and emotional abuse, and legal issues.  There will be times when we will have every right to feel angry, but along with that anger will come the responsibility to express it in ways that are healthy.

HERE ARE SOME OF THE POTENTIAL INDICATORS:

Physical response:  Clenching fists, headache, grinding teeth, clenched jaw, upset stomach, redness/flushing,sweating, rapid heart rate, increased blood pressure, shaking, tense muscles, feeling hot like one’s “blood is boiling”, pounding in ears, raised voice, narrowed attention as your focus locks on the source of your anger, increased adrenaline

***The “thoughts about self and about God” sections are unique for anger.  The thoughts will depend on your individual perspective and will be demonstrated by your actions.  Your behavior (actions) will uncover what is in your heart and reveal the truth of what you believe about yourself and God.***

Thoughts about self:  I am powerless or  I am powerful.  I am in control or I am out of control.

Thoughts about God:  God is in control or God is not in control.  God is just or God is not just.

Our action/tendency/response:  Attack/Assert

Communication: “This is not fair!”,   “This is not right!”, “I am being disrespected!”, “I have been wronged!”

Anger may indicate a variety of different needs:  1.)  To create and protect boundaries 2.) To seek justice 3.) To gather more information, empathy, or a form of assurance 4.)  To decrease stress

TYPES OF ANGER. Primarily there are three expressions of anger:  aggressive, passive, and assertive which are demonstrated through six polar dimensions:

  • Direction (internal vs. external)
  • Reaction (retaliatory vs. resistant)
  • Modality (physical vs. verbal)
  • Impulse (controlled vs. uncontrolled)
  • Objective (restorative vs. punitive)

Let’s take a moment and look at a variety of ways in which anger can be experienced.  (Adapted from Marcus Andrews article 10 Types of Anger)

ASSERTIVE ANGER:  You acknowledge your feelings and express yourself in a way that promotes change.  You do not ignore your feelings, avoid confrontation, or lash out physically or verbally.

BEHAVIORAL ANGER:  You lash out verbally or physically.  You throw or break things.  This type of anger is highly unpredictable and often causes legal or interpersonal struggles.

CHRONIC ANGER:  This type of anger is generalized and long standing.  It can produce issues with one’s health.  Often times this form of anger is also experienced as bitterness and resentment.

JUDGEMENTAL ANGER:  Experienced due to a real or perceived injustice. It can also be an experience of seeing other people as “less than” or inferior to you.   It is expressed in an air of righteous indignation and moral superiority.

OVERWHELMED ANGER:  Think of being stressed to your maximum capacity.  This can be caused from taking on too much responsibility, not having enough time to complete tasks, or just being inundated by challenging life circumstances.

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE ANGER:  You bury your feelings and avoid any direct confrontation.  You hide behind silence, sarcasm,stonewalling and behavioral hints that you are angry (such as murmuring under your breath, slamming doors or making noises in the kitchen)

RETALIATORY ANGER:  You instinctively  lash out when you have been hurt or wronged.  You deliberately seek revenge.  This type of anger is used to gain control over a person or situation.

SELF-ABUSIVE ANGER:  This is a shame based anger that materialized in the form of self-injurious behavior, negative self talk, or substance abuse.  It is steeped in a sense of hopelessness, worthlessness, and humiliation and can spill out on to others through our speech.

VERBAL ANGER:  Can be a form of psychological and emotional abuse in the form of threats, shouting, ridicule, humiliation, intimidation, and blaming.

VOLATILE ANGER:  This type of anger is intense and sudden this anger come one quickly and leaves quickly.   Big issues or small annoyances get the same volcanic effect.   People around you may walk on egg shells for fear of setting you off

So what can I do? 

Create and protect your boundaries.  (Particularly helpful when experiencing passive-aggressive anger, overwhelmed anger or chronic anger.)  As stated above, anger may indicate a need to create and protect boundaries.  Both of which are your right and responsibility.  Remember, the problem isn’t that you feel angry, the problem comes when you incorrectly manage or express your anger.  EVERYONE will feel angry at times!  Think about the reasons behind your anger.  Do you need to set some limits?  What are the things that you need or expect? Spend some time figuring out what boundaries have been violated or need to be established.  Write them down.

Boundaries with no consequences for violation is the same as having no boundaries at all.   Therefore it is important that you determine the consequences that will be enforced for the violation of those boundaries.   Take some time and reflect on what those consequences will be.  When creating the consequences remember to make sure you are both willing and able to enforce the consequences.  It will be your responsibility to enforce your boundaries.  Write down the consequences.

After you have determined what your boundaries and consequences are try using the “DEAR MAN” exercise to help express yourself.  D- Describe: Use clear and concrete terms to describe what you want or need.  E- Express: Let others know how a situation makes you feel by clearly expressing feelings. A- Assert: Don’t beat around the bush.  Say what you need to say.  R-Reinforce:  Reward people who respond well and reinforce why your desired outcome is positive.  M- Mindful.  Don’t forget the purpose of the interaction.  It can become easy to become sidetracked and loose focus.  A- Appear:  Appear confident.  Consider your tone, posture, eye contact and  body language.  N- Negotiate.  No one can have everything they want in all situations.  Be open and willing for negotiations.  It may be beneficial to write out your DEAR MAN prior to engaging in the discussion with the other person so that you will have a clear focus when you do engage.

Remove your self from the situation.  (Particularly helpful when experiencing verbal anger, volatile anger, or behavioral anger.)   Use breathing techniques to calm yourself down and switch your focus.  The breathing exercise known as 4:7:8 is believed to calm you central nervous system and thus reduces stress.  It is a natural tranquilizer…which can be extremely helpful when you are feeling a rash of anger welling up inside of you!  To do this exercise you will sit or stand up straight (it may be helpful to use a wall for posture as you learn the technique).  You will be inhaling through your nose and exhaling through your mouth.  Your tongue will be placed inside your mouth behind your top teeth throughout the entire exercise.  You will exhale by blowing the air out of your mouth while your tongue is still in place.  It will make a ‘whooshing’ sound.  To begin exhale all the air out of your lungs.  Now breathe in to the count of 4.  Hold your breath and count to 7.  Now exhale to the count of 8.  Repeat the cycle 3 more times for a total of 4 breaths.

Another exercise you can do which will allow you to focus on your breathing and hopefully distract you from a bit of the anger until you have time to generate a response rather then a volatile reaction is known as “breath counting”.  To do this you will simply breathe normally and count each time you exhale up to 5 times.  You can continue the cycle as many times as necessary until you are calm.  This exercise helps you to focus your attention and calms you at the same time.

Forgiveness. (Particularly helpful when experiencing retaliatory anger, judgmental anger, or chronic anger.)  One of the reasons anger can really hang on is because we are refusing to forgive the other person.  Instead we are choosing to replay the incidents repeatedly rehearsing all the offenses that were done.  When we do this we keep our anger on a constant slow boil never allowing it to cool down, this causes us to be in the position of continually having to deal with the angry feelings and often times consequences.  When we choose to forgive the other person it allows us to release the anger and begin the healing process.  Without forgiveness it is impossible to fully heal.  Before you discount the idea of forgiveness please look at the following article “Forgiveness:  What It Is and What It Is Not”  (https://confidenthope.blog/2018/02/06/forgiveness-what-it-is-and-what-it-is-not/).   If you do decide you need to forgive, but are unsure how to do it, the following article “How To Forgive” (https://confidenthope.blog/tag/forgive/) will walk you through the forgiveness process.

Mindfulness.  (Particularly helpful when experiencing self-harm anger.)  Mindfulness can be helpful when you are working through a variety of problems and issues.  For the emotion of anger, it allows you to separate from the emotion and experience it in a controlled setting which will allow you to explore the anger more fully from different angles.  Mindfulness simply means focusing one’s attention on the present moment while calmly accepting one’s thoughts, feelings, and sensations.  Mindfulness exercises are helpful with a variety of distressing emotions.  Here is a simple mindfulness exercise which you can practice to assist you when you feel angry.  Find a comfortable place where you can sit with your eyes closed.  Take a moment to become aware and notice how your body feels.  Inhale fully filling your lungs.  Then slowly exhale all the of the air.  Repeat this breathing exercises several times.  Now take a moment and remember a time when you felt angry.  Allow yourself to feel that anger again.  Take note of all the sensations you feel in your body.  Explore those sensations.  Are they hot or cold, intense or mild?  Now practice coming close to the anger without judgement or guilt.  Next let go of the feeling, release it.  To do this begin to refocus on your breathing.  Finally reflect on the experience you just went through.  How did it feel?  How did you get close to the anger without judgement?  What happened to the anger at that point?  This simple exercise may help you to gain more control over your emotional states as well as helping you tolerate situations which feel unmanageable in the moment.  (For more complete instructions visit:  https://www.mindful.org/mindfulness-of-anger/)

Truth.   (Particularly helpful when experiencing self-harm anger, retaliatory anger, or judgmental anger).  Sometime our anger is generated from misinformation or a lack of full understanding.  One of the things that may be helpful is to try to gain all the facts about a situation.  It may also be necessary to challenge yourself regarding any  cognitive distortions you may be personally engaging in which are fueling your fire. Listen to the conversations that are playing out in your head.  Are you using words like always or never?  Or perhaps there is a preponderance of shaming or blaming going on towards the other person or yourself.

Another aspect of truth pertains to that of injustice.  Sometimes things really aren’t fair, and that will no doubt cause a person to feel angry.  When these types of situations arise it may be helpful to remember that God is a god of justice.  Ultimately He will take care of the situation.  It is incredibly hard to sit still and wait on God’s timing, especially if you are watching the other person thrive amidst their wrong doing.  You may find it helpful to refocus on the things you can change and do have control over.  This will take time and continual practice.  There is no sense in watching them flourish while you sit by idly.  Focus on the things you can do to grow your self.  Continue to pray for both yourself and the other person.

Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord.  On the contrary:  “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.  In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”  Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. (Romans 12:17-21)

Here are a couple of links that can help you identify cognitive distortions and also assist you as you review the truthfulness of your thoughts.  “Beautiful Mess: Designed Thoughts”  (https://confidenthope.blog/2018/07/31/beautiful-mess-designed-thoughts/)  and “Cognitive Distortions:  When Your Brain Lies To You”  https://positivepsychologyprogram.com/cognitive-distortions/

Practice empathy and seeing things from the perspective of someone else. (Particularly helpful when experiencing judgmental anger)  When we are angry we don’t seem to have any trouble gathering “proof” to document our side of an argument…but what if we were to take some time to see the situation from the perspective of the other person?  Try for a moment to imagine what they are struggling with or how the situation is for them.  What reasons might they have had for what they did?  What emotions might they be experiencing?  What is it like for them to be on the other side of your anger?    By reflecting on what it is like for the other person you will gain a fuller, more complete understanding of the situation.  It may help soothe some of your anger.  Even if you are still angry after examining the experience from their perspective you may have the ability to address the situation in ways that are more helpful and compassionate.

Dealing with ANGER?  Here is your challenge:

As you review the types of anger above consider which ones you most frequently struggle with.  Do you tend to hold it in or give it full outward expression?

Select a situation in your life where you currently or recently have felt angry.  Choose one of the coping methods to apply to that particular situation.  Reflect and journal on how it went.

PRAYER: 

Heavenly Father,

I know that you created all emotions for a purpose.  I have to be honest.  Anger is probably my least favorite.  I hate feeling angry!  I hate it to the point that often I don’t even want to admit that I am angry.  It is such a powerful feeling and can create so much havoc in my life and the lives of others.  If I release it in the heat of the moment I end up saying and doing things that I later regret.  If I hold it in, it eats me alive and seeps out in so many other ways.

I know that you are familiar with the feeling of anger.  I know that you are a God who seeks justice.  And yet you are also loving and merciful. How do I mirror you?  How do I learn to express my anger in ways that will ultimately produce healing and restoration? 

Help me to submit to your authority.  Help me not to act out in vengeance.  Help me to trust you to grow me through the process of my anger.  Teach me to respond in love as you have called me to do, even when I am angry.  Teach me to be honest about my emotions and help me to express them in ways that will bring about healing and restoration.

In Jesus Name-Amen

SCRIPTURE:

 “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry,  and do not give the devil a foothold. (Ephesians 4: 26-27)

Fools give full vent to their rage,  but the wise bring calm in the end. (Proverbs 29:11)

A gentle answer turns away wrath,  but a harsh word stirs up anger. (Proverbs 15:1)

A hot-tempered person stirs up conflict,  but the one who is patient calms a quarrel. (Proverbs 15:18)

But keep away from foolish and ignorant arguments; you know that they end up in quarrels. As the Lord’s servant, you must not quarrel. You must be kind toward all, a good and patient teacher, who is gentle as you correct your opponents, for it may be that God will give them the opportunity to repent and come to know the truth. (2 Timothy 2:23-25)

Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord.  On the contrary:  “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.  In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”  Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. (Romans 12:17-21)

Let’s Talk About Loneliness (Designed: Emotions)

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Unknown.  Unwanted.  Unseen.  Unheard.  Untouched.  Undesired.  Unchosen.  Unwanted.  Unneeded.  LONELY!

“It doesn’t matter if I am in a dark room all alone, or in a crowd of strangers, or even in the company of people who are supposed to love me….loneliness is there.  I feel empty.  Completely drained.  I long for relationship, for connection; yet I have no energy to put into any relationships.  All day long I paste on a smile and pretend to be happy so no one will know that I am dying inside.”

According to Elizabeth Bernstein’s article in the Wall Street Journal, Alone or Lonely, the rate of loneliness in the U.S. has doubled over the past thirty years.  At the present time about 40% of Americans report being lonely.

Currently loneliness is an epidemic, and quickly becoming health crises.  Emotional isolation is ranked as high a risk factor for mortality as smoking. A partial list of the physical diseases thought to be caused or exacerbated by loneliness would include Alzheimer’s, obesity, diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease, neurodegenerative diseases, and even cancer—tumors can metastasize faster in lonely people.  (https://newrepublic.com/article/113176/science-loneliness-how-isolation-can-kill-you)

So, exactly what is loneliness?  Loneliness is a feeling of social disconnectedness in which a person wishes that he or she had better social relationships.   It is also defined as being isolated or unfrequented by friends.  Based on this definition it is clear that a person doesn’t need to be alone to feel lonely.  One can also feel lonely while still desiring and needing time of solitude.  The difference is this:  loneliness feels draining, distracting and upsetting; while solitude feels restorative, creative and peaceful.

Types of Loneliness.  There are many types of loneliness that are generated from a variety of unique situations, experiences, and thoughts.

  • I don’t have a romantic partner.
  • Others don’t have time for me.
  • I just want someone around when I am home.
  • I want someone to do things with.
  • There is no one who really knows me.
  • I’m in a new situation/job/location/school and don’t really know anyone.
  • I’m different from everyone else.  I can’t find anyone who shares my beliefs, values, or interests.
  • I don’t know anyone I can really trust.

As you can see from the list about it is much more than simply having a romantic attachment.  Many people need BOTH a social circle of friends and an intimate attachment to one specific person.

HERE ARE SOME OF THE POTENTIAL INDICATORS:

Physical response:  Depression.  Crying.  Numbness. Lack of pleasure.  Lack of interest. Decreased immunity.  Inflammation.  Decreased pain tolerance.  Increased risk for disease.  Poor sleep.  Increased engagement in dangerous or illicit behaviors.  Isolation.  Feeling empty.

Thoughts about self: I am unwanted.  I am all alone.  I am empty.  I am unworthy.  There is something wrong with me.  I am not enough.

Thoughts about God: God doesn’t care.  God made me this way.

Our action/tendency/response:   Ironically, when we are lonely our tendency is to isolate, withdraw and hide.

Communication: Loneliness says:  I cannot make friends.  No one wants to be with me.  I am not worthy of others time.  

Loneliness indicates a need to connect with others on a more personal or intimate level.   It will involve risk.  It may feel uncomfortable, but is needed.  Loneliness is killing us!  We were never designed to do life alone.  So it is vital to your health that you make and maintain some close connections with others.  Sadly, people who are lonely crave human contact and intimacy, but their state of mind makes it difficult to connect with others.  So, in order to get this need met you will have to battle your instincts and thoughts and press into relationships.

So what can I do? 

Practice small talk with people you encounter throughout your day.  I admit I was never a huge fan of small talk.  That is until I moved into an area where I knew no one.  I longed for those deeper connections and long conversations, but there was no one with whom I could have those conversations.  In the absence of those deep connections I quickly learned to LOVE the people who were willing to take the risk and work to engage me in small talk.

If you are a self identified introvert and not currently a fan of small talk let me tickle your intellect with this reminder…LONELINESS IS KILLING OUR SOCIETY!  Your attempts at small talk, no matter how awkward, might be the avenue that helps another human being feel connection and warmth.  In addition, it may be the door way through which you have to pass to make that one friend you desire to have.  It is a skill you can develop to use which will help you grow as a person while making the world a friendlier place to live.

So since it is a skill, here are a few tips and suggestions:

  • Eye contact-Moderate eye contact:  Somewhere between total avoidance and a death stare.
  • Smile-One that comes naturally or where you gently lift the corners of your mouth with your facial muscles:  Wide forced smiles with all your teeth showing look creepy.
  • Handshakes-Somewhere in the middle of a wet fish and a bone crushing death grip.
  • Proximity-About an adult arm length away.  If an infant child can stick her fingers in your mouth YOU ARE TOO CLOSE!
  • Volume: Medium inside voice.  If you are too quite, they will ask what you said and thus prolong the torture of having to engage in the small talk.

Small Talk Progression and Topics:

  • Start with a pleasant greeting and acknowledgement (Ex. “Hi” “It’s good to see you.”  “I’m glad you could come.” “What is your name?”
  • Discuss the weather
  • Give a compliment
  • Share an observation about the surrounding environment or situation
  • Ask an open ended questions:  “Where are you from?”  “What brought you here?”  “How’s your day going?”,   “How do you like or what do you think about  (XYZ) so far?”  etc.
  • End with a good-bye and eye contact: “Bye”, “Stay safe”, “Take care”, “Nice meeting you”, “Have a blessed day.”

You don’t need to carry on a long conversation.  You are just working on talking for a couple of seconds…maybe it will lead to a friendship down the road, or maybe you will just be a bright spot in someone’s day helping them feel a little less lonely.

Invest in nurturing others.  Another way to grow your community and help alliveate loneliness is to care for other people or animals.  Help out at an animal shelter, serve with people to promote a cause, take care of an elderly person or child.  This will foster altruistic feelings in you, will help someone else, and will help fill some of the emptiness.

Proximity and repetition are fundamental when establishing relationships.  It has been proven that as long as you are mutually kind you will become friends with the people you see most often.  So, one way to increase your friendship circle is to be kind and put yourself in situations where you will see the same people over and over again; join a class or committee, go to the same store or hairdresser, attend a church, join a gym, go the same park or venue often, etc.

Time. Relationships take time to form.  You will have to have at least 6-8 conversations with a person before they begin to consider you a friend.  From there you will be able to decide if this is a person you want to develop a deeper level of connection with versus someone you would like to keep as an acquaintance.

Real Life Relationships (RLR).  If there is one thing that social media has taught us is that it is that social media is not a substitute for having real life friends.  Having many friends on social media who hardly know you is NOT a protective factor against loneliness.  If I have 700 Facebook friends and Instagram followers, but no one who interacts with me regularly in a close and intimate way, then chances are I will still feel incredibly lonely.  The only way to combat loneliness is to engage in real life relationships.  There are 3 keys to developing RLR:

  • 1.) Take the risk of being vulnerable, sharing my thoughts, feelings, and experiences.
  • 2.) Invest my most valuable resource (time).  All RLR will take time to develop.
  • 3.) Learn to be trustworthy with other people’s secrets, faults, and failures.  To have a good friend, you must practice being a good friend.

Quality versus Quantity.   When combating loneliness it is important to develop a few high quality relationships.  These are the people who you will invest your life in and those who you will allow to invest in you.  It is not important to have many friends, just a few select friends that you will allow to know the real you, the messy you, the you that you don’t show to everyone else.

(For more on this topic see Developing Your Tribe:  (https://confidenthope.blog/2018/04/10/developing-your-tribe/ )

Dealing with LONELINESS?  Here is your challenge:

1.)  Identify which type or types of loneliness are you currently suffering from?

2.) Reflect on if there was ever a time you were not suffering from this type of loneliness.  What did it look like?  How were you involved in the relationship?

3.) Identify one way in which you could begin to counter act they type of loneliness you are experiencing.

4.)  Challenge yourself to engage in that activity at least once this week.

5.)  Document and reflect on how it went and how you felt.

6.)  Challenge yourself to combat loneliness for others by reaching out to them at least once this week.

7.)  Make an effort to get to know the people in the community you are a part of:  where you live, where you work, where you shop, and where you play.

MEDITATION:

We were never designed to live in isolation.  God created us for relationship.  We are created in the very image of God who himself is a model of relationship in the attribute of the trinity.  We serve one God, who is triune in nature.  Meaning he is Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.  All acting in accordance and unity together.  We as humans are created in that very same relational manner.  In fact, in Genesis it talks about this very topic.  After each thing that God created he commented “and it was good.”  However, after he created man He said “it is not good for man to be alone.”  At that point he created Eve.  Right from the beginning in paradise it was necessary for people to have relationship!  All through out scripture it talks about the dangers of being alone and the commands to engage in relationships; along with the principles for living successfully in those relationships.

Loneliness can feel like a slow death.  Some of the saddest moments in scripture are when individuals felt alone or abandoned.  I believe that is why God reminds us so often that He will NEVER leave us nor forsake us.  While you may experience moments or seasons of loneliness, it is never His will that you do life alone.  Those moments are to serve as reminders of our need for community.  God will meet that need for intimacy through other people as we reach out and risk being known and knowing others.

PRAYER: 

Heavenly Father,

I feel so alone.  I long for community.  I long for close friends that I can laugh with and share with and do things with.  I miss having someone to call my own.  I can feel the ache for companionship deep inside me.  Yet I have to confess there is also a part of me that doesn’t want to risk being hurt again.  I don’t want to invest all the time and energy into someone else just to be let down and beaten up.  I don’t want to go through all the small talk, all the getting to know you phases……but I do want the closeness, the familiarity, the comfortableness.  Will I ever have the energy to build those types of relationships again?  Will anyone even want to build that kind of relationship with me?  Sometimes I just feel like all the good friends and partners are already taken. 

Do you even care that I feel lonely?  That I long for companionship?  That I miss the warmth of being loved and cared for?  Is that even something that I can pray for?  I know that you love me, but sometimes I just long for love that comes in human form.

I am asking that you please bring people into my life.  Allow me the chance to love others.  Give me courage to share who I am and to seek out the treasures of who they are.  Show me how to love and how to connect.  You are the perfect example of relationship and love.  Help me to live and love as you have called me to do.  Help disspel my loneliness as I give my love to others.  It is a mystery how giving love away could actually fill me up….but I trust that you do actually work in those mysterious ways.

In Jesus Name-Amen

SCRIPTURE:

The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” (Genesis 2:18)

“Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends.” (John 15:13)

A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling. God sets the lonely in families,he leads out the prisoners with singing; but the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land. (Psalm 68:5-6)

Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. (Psalm 25:16)

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. (Psalm 147:3)

“Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others.” (Philippians 2:3-4)

One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. (Proverbs 18:24)

I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. (John 14:18)

 

Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you. (Deuteronomy 31:6)