TIME OUT!: When and how to take a break from a conversation when things are going badly.

Take a breakYou know the feeling, you are in a “heated discussion” and you can feel the heat rising in you, you spew out venomous words that pierce the heart of person you are speaking to.  You can hear yourself speaking and know that you need to stop but you just can’t seem to keep your mouth shut.  Or perhaps you’re able to say nice words but your face is exposing the truth of what you are thinking.  Or maybe you’re not the one causing the trouble (with your words and/or face) this time….perhaps you have been the one on the receiving end of this kind of treatment.  Whether you are the giver or the receiver these are not fun conversations to be a part of, and honestly they are not typically productive.  So what can you do in these situations?

One thing that can sometimes be helpful is taking a break from the conversation.  Often when you notice that you are engaging in a form of negative communication you may need to step back and regroup before trying to re-engage in the conversation.  (For more information on negative or dangerous communication check out this article  https://confidenthope.blog/2019/04/03/dangerous-communication/The following are some practical tips on when and how to take a break from the conversation.

KNOW WHEN YOU NEED A BREAK.  Ask yourself about your own behavior:  1.) Am I just repeating myself over and over?  2.)  Have I completely shut down?  3.) Am I consistently interrupting them to defend myself or make a point?  3.) Am I treating being disrespectful with my words (cussing at them, name calling) 4.)  Am I thinking of what I am going to say next while they are talking instead of trying to listen to them?   5.) Am I yelling/screaming/being physically violent?  If you answered “yes” to any of these a break may be a good idea.  If you answered “yes” to number 5 you definitely need a break.

Consider their behavior. 1.)  Are they completely ignoring you/shutting you out?  2.)  Are they just saying what you want to hear so the conversation will end?  3.)  Are they constantly interrupting you, talking over you, twisting your words?  4.)  Are they making sweeping generalizations, making excuses, casting blame,  or trying to shame or humiliate you? Are they yelling, screaming, verbally demeaning you, threatening you, intimidating you, or physically harming you?

If you answered “yes”  to any one of these you need to take a break from the conversation.

Consider the conversation.  1.)  Has the conversation stalled?  You both just keep repeating the same things over and over with no new understanding or solutions.  2.)  Are you all over the place with the conversation topic discussing EVERY issue instead of focusing on the issue at hand?  3.)  Are the points that are being made mostly vague generalizations that consist of words like ‘always’, ‘never’, ‘everybody’, ‘nobody’?

If you answered “yes” to any one of these you may need to take a break from the conversation.

HOW TO TAKE A BREAK

Here is the common scenario:  One person gets fed up.  Screams “I’M DONE!!!”  Leaves and slams the door.  At some undefined point the person returns, possibly there is an apology or perhaps the silent treatment.  Sometimes one of the people is still angry and becomes passive aggressive (think slamming pots and pans, murmuring under the breath or goes silent) while the other one is ready to move on and just ignore what happened.  Obviously this does not work, yet we do it all the time.  Both people are still angry, there is no structure, no closure, no guidelines, and worst of all the problems are still there.   But there is hope, there is a better way…. Consider this what if one person took responsibility for saying they needed a break, offered a time when they could re-engage in the conversation and had a plan of what they would do with their time during the break.  Here is what that might sound like:  “I know this is important, but I really need a break from this conversation right now.   I’m so frustrated I can’t think right.  I’m going to go to the gym for an hour and will be back by 7:00.  That will give me some time to cool down so I can really try to work through this with you.”  I believe that would go a lot better then the previous scenario.  So how can you make this happen?

Here are some guidelines:

1.) Discuss the concept of “taking a break” with your partner PRIOR to any heated discussions.  Agree together that this is something you are both willing to try.  Review the rules together and agree on them.  Don’t wait until the middle of an argument to try to explain and initiate the concept.

2.)  Use I statements when calling for a break.  “I feel (emotion).  I need a break.  I am going to go do (state activity) and will come back at (time) to revisit this conversation.”

3.)  You can only ask for a break for yourself.  You do not get to say, “It seems like you are getting really angry.  You should take a break and cool off.”  You can say, “I am frustrated and need a break from the conversation.”

4.)  You cannot refuse to grant the other person the break request.  This may be difficult because there are often things that need to be discussed and timing is important.  In those cases you may need to allow the person to take the break, but also continue forward with necessary action until the disagreement is resolved.  When you are wanting to continue the discussion and the other person has called for a break, try to remember that nothing will get resolved by them staying in the conversation when they are stating that they need a break.

5.)  If you are calling for a break you need to have a time limit for the break.  Breaks can be anywhere from 5-10 minutes, to 24 hours depending on how much time you think you will need to collect your thoughts, cool your emotions, and try to understand the perspective of the other person.  Breaks should not last longer then 24 hours.  At the end of the break you need to re-initiate the conversation.

6.) You need to have a plan for during your break.  Find something that helps you to relieve physical and emotional stress.  Some ideas are:  exercise, journaling, music prayer, meditation, etc. Your break should NOT include alcohol or drugs since these substances may interfere with your ability to maintain emotional regulation.

7.)  Both partners need to take reflect during the break.  Try to think through what the other person was saying.  Is it possible that you were you misunderstanding them?  Try to really understand their perspective even if you do not agree with them.  Also consider your own behaviors.  Which dangerous communication patterns did you engage in?  Is there anything you owe them an apology for?  Try to re-think of ways you can state what you were trying say so that it is able to be ‘heard’ by the other person.  Is there any common ground in the discussion you can both share?

8.)  Re-engage in the conversation at the time you promised.  By adhering to your commitment to revisit the the conversation at the agreed on time you are building trust in your relationship.  If you are still too frustrated to engage in the conversation, at least go to your partner and let them know you need a little more time.  Set another time and come back and try again then.

BUT WHY GO THROUGH ALL THIS?

You may be asking why is this even necessary?  Maybe you’re saying, “Isn’t better if I just let it all out, vent my feelings, rather than keeping it all bottled up?”  Or perhaps you thoughts are more along the line of “if I just keep quiet this will all pass and we can move on”.  But the truth is that in most cases we need to have tools to appropriately handle conflict in ways that address the issues at hand while maintaining the dignity of the other person and our self respect.  Taking a break accomplishes these things.  It allows for you to set boundaries on behaviors you will not tolerate.  It gives you the structure to ask for and get your needs met.  It helps prevent you from engaging in behaviors that may cause harm to the other person.  Lastly, it helps to build the character traits of self discipline, perseverance, as well as building confidence, trust and hope in the relationship.

PRAYER:

Heavenly Father,

I confess that it is really, REALLY hard to give up an argument and take a break when I believe I am right, or that what I have to say is important.  I ask that you help me to follow your example of love, discipline, and sacrifice.  Help me to use words that are kind, true and necessary.  Help me to not be so determined to prove my point that I forget to lift you up and allow room for your Holy Spirit to work.

Sometimes, it is difficult for me to even recognize that I need a break during a conversation.  Please through your spirit keep my eyes open to times when I need to step away from others and draw near to you.  Place your hand over my mouth so that no unwholesome words pass through.  Teach me to trust in you and your ability to bring clarity, unity , peace, and true victory.

Thank you for loving me even when I act less then lovely.  Protect those who have to patiently tolerate my outbursts.  Surround me with people who will faithfully speak truth to me and encourage me to love others as you do.

In Jesus Name-Amen

SCRIPTURE VERSES

We all stumble in many ways. Anyone who is never at fault in what they say is perfect, able to keep their whole body in check.  James 3:2

My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry,  James 1:19

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:1

Dangerous Communication

Communication is the essence of good relationships.  When we communicate well with others we feel empowered and respected.  When communication breaks down relationships become strained and sources of stress rather than enjoyment.  In fact one of the number one difficulties couples admit to having in their relationships is poor communication.

Scripture has a lot to say about communication and how we use our words.  In the book of James it talks about how such a small part of our bodies (our tongue) has such power and can do tremendous destruction.  In the book of Ephesians it gives instructions on how we are to only speak words that will build people up or in other ways be beneficial to them.  In fact all through out scripture we are given instructions regarding how to communicate.  Still many of us struggle when we are “in the moment” of a heated or uncomfortable conversation.  Let’s examine a few of the types of dangerous ways in which we communicate that sabotage our relationships and what we can do about them.

NEGATIVE INTERPRETATION:  is when you evaluate another persons actions, thoughts, feelings or intentions negatively without checking the facts.

What to do if you’re the one doing it:  Check the facts!  You do not have the ability to read the mind or know the feelings of other individuals.  It is up to them to tell you what they are thinking and feeling.

What to do if you think it is being done to you:  One thing you can do if you believe that someone may be misunderstanding you is to ask them to repeat what they are hearing you say.  Another thing you can do is restate, specifically and concisely what you are thinking or feeling and the reasons behind those thoughts and feelings.

BLAMING, SHAMING, DEFENSIVENESS:  is when you turn the focus in a negative way on to the other person.

What to do if you’re the one doing it:  This can be really hard because typically when you are the one doing it you are feeling guilty, ashamed, frustrated or attacked and this is your way of getting out of the conversation.  When you feel this way it is really hard to listen to what the other person is saying.  You may need to take a break from the conversation while you evaluate what your underlying feelings are and the reasons why you feel like you do.  When you do re-engage in the conversation try to really listen to what the other person is saying without commenting on WHY you did or didn’t do or say something.

What if it is being done to you:  Typically this is done as a means of derailing the conversation and getting it off track so the other person will not feel pressure.  If you are the target of the the blame and shame you will need to continue to stick to the topic at hand (even if you sound like a broken record), identify specific feelings and behaviors, and avoid generalizations.  It may be helpful to stick to very specific facts and I statements.  For example:  “I feel overwhelmed when I see the sink full of dishes.”

WITHDRAWL: (also known as stone-walling) is when a person shuts down and refuses to engage in the conversation.

What to do if you’re the one doing it:  Try to determine why it is that you are shutting down.  Do you feel attacked?  Do you believe that the other person is not listening to you or hearing you?  Do you believe that it is an argument that always gets talked about and never gets solved?  Do you feel like you are in a no win situation?  Once you have identified your thoughts and feelings you can then try to engage in the conversation using the ‘speaker-listener’ technique or request a ‘time out’ to collect your thoughts and resume the conversation at a later time.

What if it is being done to you:  You can identify the behavior and take on the listener role in order to try to understand the other person’s point of view and move the conversation forward.  If you are unable to move the conversation forward you can ask for a ‘time out’ in an effort to allow tensions cool down and resume the conversation at a later time.

INVALIDATION:  is what we think of as classic teenage behavior…think rolling the eyes, using sweeping generalizations such as always and never, sarcasm, mimicking, etc.  Basically it is anything (verbal or body language) that seeks to devalue the other person.

What to do if you’re the one doing it:  Try to be aware of your body language, especially your face!    Use words that are accurate and clearly describe and reflect specifically what is going on.  Avoid generalizations.  Acknowledge when you engage in an invalidating response, apologize, and try again to listen respectfully or speak.

What if it is being done to you:  Respectfully acknowledge the behavior and request that it stop.  If the behavior continues let them know that you will not continue in the discussion until they can treat you respectfully.

ESCALATION: includes yelling, screaming, cussing, name calling,  belittling, intimidating, and threatening.  Once either person is engaging in escalation it is unlikely that any healthy progress will be made in the communication.  Additionally, if escalation is allowed to continue without being stopped to can lead can to emotional and/or physical abuse.

What to do if you’re the one doing it:  As soon as you notice you are escalating  take a break from the discussion to regain your composure.  During your break from the conversation make sure you engage in activities that will cool your anger.  Some good examples are: exercise, breathing techniques, meditation, or journaling.  After you have cooled down you may realize you need to apologize or maybe you become aware that you may not have completely understood the other person’s point of view.  If either of these are the case, apologize first and then take the role of the listener and try again to understand what the other person was trying to communicate.

What if it is being done to you:  If you are in a conversation and the other person is escalating you can try to inform the other person that you will not continue the conversation if they continue with the escalating behavior.  For example:  “I will not continue with this conversation if you are going to call me names.”  If the behavior continues stop the conversation and remove yourself from the area.  You can re-engage once you and the other person have had some time to cool off.  If the behavior has continued to the point where you are in a physically dangerous situation or the person will not allow you to leave the discussion you may need to seek additional help from legal authorities or from other professionals?

SELF REFLECTION:

Which of the communication styles above is your “go to” when you are angry, hurt, or frustrated?  Let me challenge you to work on changing that.  Here are a couple of ideas:  1.)  Ask someone who is close to you which one of the styles they have experienced you using and have them share how it made them feel.  Do this without rationalizing, explaining or defending your behavior.  Your only job is to listen to their feedback.  2.)  Prepare ahead of time for conversations that you know may be challenging.  Visualize yourself engaging in the conversation in a healthy manner.  Practice words that will move the conversation rather than stop the conversation.  Be intent on LISTENING to and REALLY HEARING what the other person is trying to communicate.  3.)  Catch yourself in the act of engaging in that behavior and intentionally stop and try to re-engage in the conversation in a healthier manner.

PRAYER:

Heavenly Father, 

I really truly want my words to be used as a means of encouraging and inspiring others. Teach me how to communicate well.  Teach me to not put up barriers when communicating with others.  Open my eyes and ears so that I might see the ways I allow my words and actions to interfere with communication.  Also, help me to draw out others so that when they communicate with me they feel safe sharing with me knowing that I am really trying to hear and understand them.  Bless my communication so that it might be pleasing to you and respectful to others.

In Jesus Name- Amen 

BIBLE VERSES:

We put a small piece of metal in the mouth of a horse to make it obey us. We can control the whole animal with it. And how about ships? They are very big. They are driven along by strong winds. But they are steered by a very small rudder. It makes them go where the captain wants to go. In the same way, the tongue is a small part of a person’s body. But it talks big. Think about how a small spark can set a big forest on fire.  James 3:3-5

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. Ephesians 4:29

 

Let’s Talk About Anger (Designed: Emotions)

FB_IMG_1543874342397.jpg“STOP!  I HAVE HAD ENOUGH!  I SWEAR I CAN’T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!”

“I said I am fine!  Now please leave me alone!”

Both these statements are seething with anger.  Anger is a fundamental emotion to that every single person will experience several times through out their lifetime.  It can come out as shards of explosive rage injuring everyone in it’s path, or brew internally creating a cesspool of bitterness and resentment.  The ironic thing with anger is often times when you are dealing with someone who is angry YOU become angry, and if you are angry with someone they in turn become angry with you.  It seems as if anger is contagious.  Thankfully there are antidotes that will help you manage your own anger and can help soothe the anger of others.  Just as with all the other emotions we have examined you have a right to feel angry.  It is part of how you are designed.  Some people have been taught that anger is bad.  That believe that if they are angry it is a sin.  They refuse to openly acknowledge or express their anger.  They still feel angry, but they hide it and wrap it in a blanket of shame for even having the feeling.  They go through life burying the very emotions that God gave them to alert them to danger and trouble. On the other hand, while you have a right to the emotion you also have a responsibility in how you respond to that emotion. Some individual’s believe they must express every thing that makes them angry.  That they need to take control or they will be run over and taken advantage of.  They yell, intimidate, belittle, rage, and humiliate others in an effort to seek justice, to feel secure, or to remain in control.  In many cases this will lead to emotional or physical injury to the people who “bump into” this person’s anger.

So, exactly what is anger? The Cambridge dictionary defines anger as “the feeling people get when something unfair, painful, or bad happens”.  It is one of the primary emotions that we feel as human beings. Anger is neither good nor bad; it is simply an emotion.  What we do as a result of feeling angry is where the trouble can come in.  When we handle our anger in positive ways productive outcomes and lasting change can be made.  Poor management of one’s anger can result in damaged or ruined interpersonal relationships, poor work performance, destruction of property, physical and emotional abuse, and legal issues.  There will be times when we will have every right to feel angry, but along with that anger will come the responsibility to express it in ways that are healthy.

HERE ARE SOME OF THE POTENTIAL INDICATORS:

Physical response:  Clenching fists, headache, grinding teeth, clenched jaw, upset stomach, redness/flushing,sweating, rapid heart rate, increased blood pressure, shaking, tense muscles, feeling hot like one’s “blood is boiling”, pounding in ears, raised voice, narrowed attention as your focus locks on the source of your anger, increased adrenaline

***The “thoughts about self and about God” sections are unique for anger.  The thoughts will depend on your individual perspective and will be demonstrated by your actions.  Your behavior (actions) will uncover what is in your heart and reveal the truth of what you believe about yourself and God.***

Thoughts about self:  I am powerless or  I am powerful.  I am in control or I am out of control.

Thoughts about God:  God is in control or God is not in control.  God is just or God is not just.

Our action/tendency/response:  Attack/Assert

Communication: “This is not fair!”,   “This is not right!”, “I am being disrespected!”, “I have been wronged!”

Anger may indicate a variety of different needs:  1.)  To create and protect boundaries 2.) To seek justice 3.) To gather more information, empathy, or a form of assurance 4.)  To decrease stress

TYPES OF ANGER. Primarily there are three expressions of anger:  aggressive, passive, and assertive which are demonstrated through six polar dimensions:

  • Direction (internal vs. external)
  • Reaction (retaliatory vs. resistant)
  • Modality (physical vs. verbal)
  • Impulse (controlled vs. uncontrolled)
  • Objective (restorative vs. punitive)

Let’s take a moment and look at a variety of ways in which anger can be experienced.  (Adapted from Marcus Andrews article 10 Types of Anger)

ASSERTIVE ANGER:  You acknowledge your feelings and express yourself in a way that promotes change.  You do not ignore your feelings, avoid confrontation, or lash out physically or verbally.

BEHAVIORAL ANGER:  You lash out verbally or physically.  You throw or break things.  This type of anger is highly unpredictable and often causes legal or interpersonal struggles.

CHRONIC ANGER:  This type of anger is generalized and long standing.  It can produce issues with one’s health.  Often times this form of anger is also experienced as bitterness and resentment.

JUDGEMENTAL ANGER:  Experienced due to a real or perceived injustice. It can also be an experience of seeing other people as “less than” or inferior to you.   It is expressed in an air of righteous indignation and moral superiority.

OVERWHELMED ANGER:  Think of being stressed to your maximum capacity.  This can be caused from taking on too much responsibility, not having enough time to complete tasks, or just being inundated by challenging life circumstances.

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE ANGER:  You bury your feelings and avoid any direct confrontation.  You hide behind silence, sarcasm,stonewalling and behavioral hints that you are angry (such as murmuring under your breath, slamming doors or making noises in the kitchen)

RETALIATORY ANGER:  You instinctively  lash out when you have been hurt or wronged.  You deliberately seek revenge.  This type of anger is used to gain control over a person or situation.

SELF-ABUSIVE ANGER:  This is a shame based anger that materialized in the form of self-injurious behavior, negative self talk, or substance abuse.  It is steeped in a sense of hopelessness, worthlessness, and humiliation and can spill out on to others through our speech.

VERBAL ANGER:  Can be a form of psychological and emotional abuse in the form of threats, shouting, ridicule, humiliation, intimidation, and blaming.

VOLATILE ANGER:  This type of anger is intense and sudden this anger come one quickly and leaves quickly.   Big issues or small annoyances get the same volcanic effect.   People around you may walk on egg shells for fear of setting you off

So what can I do? 

Create and protect your boundaries.  (Particularly helpful when experiencing passive-aggressive anger, overwhelmed anger or chronic anger.)  As stated above, anger may indicate a need to create and protect boundaries.  Both of which are your right and responsibility.  Remember, the problem isn’t that you feel angry, the problem comes when you incorrectly manage or express your anger.  EVERYONE will feel angry at times!  Think about the reasons behind your anger.  Do you need to set some limits?  What are the things that you need or expect? Spend some time figuring out what boundaries have been violated or need to be established.  Write them down.

Boundaries with no consequences for violation is the same as having no boundaries at all.   Therefore it is important that you determine the consequences that will be enforced for the violation of those boundaries.   Take some time and reflect on what those consequences will be.  When creating the consequences remember to make sure you are both willing and able to enforce the consequences.  It will be your responsibility to enforce your boundaries.  Write down the consequences.

After you have determined what your boundaries and consequences are try using the “DEAR MAN” exercise to help express yourself.  D- Describe: Use clear and concrete terms to describe what you want or need.  E- Express: Let others know how a situation makes you feel by clearly expressing feelings. A- Assert: Don’t beat around the bush.  Say what you need to say.  R-Reinforce:  Reward people who respond well and reinforce why your desired outcome is positive.  M- Mindful.  Don’t forget the purpose of the interaction.  It can become easy to become sidetracked and loose focus.  A- Appear:  Appear confident.  Consider your tone, posture, eye contact and  body language.  N- Negotiate.  No one can have everything they want in all situations.  Be open and willing for negotiations.  It may be beneficial to write out your DEAR MAN prior to engaging in the discussion with the other person so that you will have a clear focus when you do engage.

Remove your self from the situation.  (Particularly helpful when experiencing verbal anger, volatile anger, or behavioral anger.)   Use breathing techniques to calm yourself down and switch your focus.  The breathing exercise known as 4:7:8 is believed to calm you central nervous system and thus reduces stress.  It is a natural tranquilizer…which can be extremely helpful when you are feeling a rash of anger welling up inside of you!  To do this exercise you will sit or stand up straight (it may be helpful to use a wall for posture as you learn the technique).  You will be inhaling through your nose and exhaling through your mouth.  Your tongue will be placed inside your mouth behind your top teeth throughout the entire exercise.  You will exhale by blowing the air out of your mouth while your tongue is still in place.  It will make a ‘whooshing’ sound.  To begin exhale all the air out of your lungs.  Now breathe in to the count of 4.  Hold your breath and count to 7.  Now exhale to the count of 8.  Repeat the cycle 3 more times for a total of 4 breaths.

Another exercise you can do which will allow you to focus on your breathing and hopefully distract you from a bit of the anger until you have time to generate a response rather then a volatile reaction is known as “breath counting”.  To do this you will simply breathe normally and count each time you exhale up to 5 times.  You can continue the cycle as many times as necessary until you are calm.  This exercise helps you to focus your attention and calms you at the same time.

Forgiveness. (Particularly helpful when experiencing retaliatory anger, judgmental anger, or chronic anger.)  One of the reasons anger can really hang on is because we are refusing to forgive the other person.  Instead we are choosing to replay the incidents repeatedly rehearsing all the offenses that were done.  When we do this we keep our anger on a constant slow boil never allowing it to cool down, this causes us to be in the position of continually having to deal with the angry feelings and often times consequences.  When we choose to forgive the other person it allows us to release the anger and begin the healing process.  Without forgiveness it is impossible to fully heal.  Before you discount the idea of forgiveness please look at the following article “Forgiveness:  What It Is and What It Is Not”  (https://confidenthope.blog/2018/02/06/forgiveness-what-it-is-and-what-it-is-not/).   If you do decide you need to forgive, but are unsure how to do it, the following article “How To Forgive” (https://confidenthope.blog/tag/forgive/) will walk you through the forgiveness process.

Mindfulness.  (Particularly helpful when experiencing self-harm anger.)  Mindfulness can be helpful when you are working through a variety of problems and issues.  For the emotion of anger, it allows you to separate from the emotion and experience it in a controlled setting which will allow you to explore the anger more fully from different angles.  Mindfulness simply means focusing one’s attention on the present moment while calmly accepting one’s thoughts, feelings, and sensations.  Mindfulness exercises are helpful with a variety of distressing emotions.  Here is a simple mindfulness exercise which you can practice to assist you when you feel angry.  Find a comfortable place where you can sit with your eyes closed.  Take a moment to become aware and notice how your body feels.  Inhale fully filling your lungs.  Then slowly exhale all the of the air.  Repeat this breathing exercises several times.  Now take a moment and remember a time when you felt angry.  Allow yourself to feel that anger again.  Take note of all the sensations you feel in your body.  Explore those sensations.  Are they hot or cold, intense or mild?  Now practice coming close to the anger without judgement or guilt.  Next let go of the feeling, release it.  To do this begin to refocus on your breathing.  Finally reflect on the experience you just went through.  How did it feel?  How did you get close to the anger without judgement?  What happened to the anger at that point?  This simple exercise may help you to gain more control over your emotional states as well as helping you tolerate situations which feel unmanageable in the moment.  (For more complete instructions visit:  https://www.mindful.org/mindfulness-of-anger/)

Truth.   (Particularly helpful when experiencing self-harm anger, retaliatory anger, or judgmental anger).  Sometime our anger is generated from misinformation or a lack of full understanding.  One of the things that may be helpful is to try to gain all the facts about a situation.  It may also be necessary to challenge yourself regarding any  cognitive distortions you may be personally engaging in which are fueling your fire. Listen to the conversations that are playing out in your head.  Are you using words like always or never?  Or perhaps there is a preponderance of shaming or blaming going on towards the other person or yourself.

Another aspect of truth pertains to that of injustice.  Sometimes things really aren’t fair, and that will no doubt cause a person to feel angry.  When these types of situations arise it may be helpful to remember that God is a god of justice.  Ultimately He will take care of the situation.  It is incredibly hard to sit still and wait on God’s timing, especially if you are watching the other person thrive amidst their wrong doing.  You may find it helpful to refocus on the things you can change and do have control over.  This will take time and continual practice.  There is no sense in watching them flourish while you sit by idly.  Focus on the things you can do to grow your self.  Continue to pray for both yourself and the other person.

Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord.  On the contrary:  “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.  In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”  Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. (Romans 12:17-21)

Here are a couple of links that can help you identify cognitive distortions and also assist you as you review the truthfulness of your thoughts.  “Beautiful Mess: Designed Thoughts”  (https://confidenthope.blog/2018/07/31/beautiful-mess-designed-thoughts/)  and “Cognitive Distortions:  When Your Brain Lies To You”  https://positivepsychologyprogram.com/cognitive-distortions/

Practice empathy and seeing things from the perspective of someone else. (Particularly helpful when experiencing judgmental anger)  When we are angry we don’t seem to have any trouble gathering “proof” to document our side of an argument…but what if we were to take some time to see the situation from the perspective of the other person?  Try for a moment to imagine what they are struggling with or how the situation is for them.  What reasons might they have had for what they did?  What emotions might they be experiencing?  What is it like for them to be on the other side of your anger?    By reflecting on what it is like for the other person you will gain a fuller, more complete understanding of the situation.  It may help soothe some of your anger.  Even if you are still angry after examining the experience from their perspective you may have the ability to address the situation in ways that are more helpful and compassionate.

Dealing with ANGER?  Here is your challenge:

As you review the types of anger above consider which ones you most frequently struggle with.  Do you tend to hold it in or give it full outward expression?

Select a situation in your life where you currently or recently have felt angry.  Choose one of the coping methods to apply to that particular situation.  Reflect and journal on how it went.

PRAYER: 

Heavenly Father,

I know that you created all emotions for a purpose.  I have to be honest.  Anger is probably my least favorite.  I hate feeling angry!  I hate it to the point that often I don’t even want to admit that I am angry.  It is such a powerful feeling and can create so much havoc in my life and the lives of others.  If I release it in the heat of the moment I end up saying and doing things that I later regret.  If I hold it in, it eats me alive and seeps out in so many other ways.

I know that you are familiar with the feeling of anger.  I know that you are a God who seeks justice.  And yet you are also loving and merciful. How do I mirror you?  How do I learn to express my anger in ways that will ultimately produce healing and restoration? 

Help me to submit to your authority.  Help me not to act out in vengeance.  Help me to trust you to grow me through the process of my anger.  Teach me to respond in love as you have called me to do, even when I am angry.  Teach me to be honest about my emotions and help me to express them in ways that will bring about healing and restoration.

In Jesus Name-Amen

SCRIPTURE:

 “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry,  and do not give the devil a foothold. (Ephesians 4: 26-27)

Fools give full vent to their rage,  but the wise bring calm in the end. (Proverbs 29:11)

A gentle answer turns away wrath,  but a harsh word stirs up anger. (Proverbs 15:1)

A hot-tempered person stirs up conflict,  but the one who is patient calms a quarrel. (Proverbs 15:18)

But keep away from foolish and ignorant arguments; you know that they end up in quarrels. As the Lord’s servant, you must not quarrel. You must be kind toward all, a good and patient teacher, who is gentle as you correct your opponents, for it may be that God will give them the opportunity to repent and come to know the truth. (2 Timothy 2:23-25)

Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord.  On the contrary:  “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.  In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”  Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. (Romans 12:17-21)