Let’s Talk About Anger (Designed: Emotions)

FB_IMG_1543874342397.jpg“STOP!  I HAVE HAD ENOUGH!  I SWEAR I CAN’T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!”

“I said I am fine!  Now please leave me alone!”

Both these statements are seething with anger.  Anger is a fundamental emotion to that every single person will experience several times through out their lifetime.  It can come out as shards of explosive rage injuring everyone in it’s path, or brew internally creating a cesspool of bitterness and resentment.  The ironic thing with anger is often times when you are dealing with someone who is angry YOU become angry, and if you are angry with someone they in turn become angry with you.  It seems as if anger is contagious.  Thankfully there are antidotes that will help you manage your own anger and can help soothe the anger of others.  Just as with all the other emotions we have examined you have a right to feel angry.  It is part of how you are designed.  Some people have been taught that anger is bad.  That believe that if they are angry it is a sin.  They refuse to openly acknowledge or express their anger.  They still feel angry, but they hide it and wrap it in a blanket of shame for even having the feeling.  They go through life burying the very emotions that God gave them to alert them to danger and trouble. On the other hand, while you have a right to the emotion you also have a responsibility in how you respond to that emotion. Some individual’s believe they must express every thing that makes them angry.  That they need to take control or they will be run over and taken advantage of.  They yell, intimidate, belittle, rage, and humiliate others in an effort to seek justice, to feel secure, or to remain in control.  In many cases this will lead to emotional or physical injury to the people who “bump into” this person’s anger.

So, exactly what is anger? The Cambridge dictionary defines anger as “the feeling people get when something unfair, painful, or bad happens”.  It is one of the primary emotions that we feel as human beings. Anger is neither good nor bad; it is simply an emotion.  What we do as a result of feeling angry is where the trouble can come in.  When we handle our anger in positive ways productive outcomes and lasting change can be made.  Poor management of one’s anger can result in damaged or ruined interpersonal relationships, poor work performance, destruction of property, physical and emotional abuse, and legal issues.  There will be times when we will have every right to feel angry, but along with that anger will come the responsibility to express it in ways that are healthy.

HERE ARE SOME OF THE POTENTIAL INDICATORS:

Physical response:  Clenching fists, headache, grinding teeth, clenched jaw, upset stomach, redness/flushing,sweating, rapid heart rate, increased blood pressure, shaking, tense muscles, feeling hot like one’s “blood is boiling”, pounding in ears, raised voice, narrowed attention as your focus locks on the source of your anger, increased adrenaline

***The “thoughts about self and about God” sections are unique for anger.  The thoughts will depend on your individual perspective and will be demonstrated by your actions.  Your behavior (actions) will uncover what is in your heart and reveal the truth of what you believe about yourself and God.***

Thoughts about self:  I am powerless or  I am powerful.  I am in control or I am out of control.

Thoughts about God:  God is in control or God is not in control.  God is just or God is not just.

Our action/tendency/response:  Attack/Assert

Communication: “This is not fair!”,   “This is not right!”, “I am being disrespected!”, “I have been wronged!”

Anger may indicate a variety of different needs:  1.)  To create and protect boundaries 2.) To seek justice 3.) To gather more information, empathy, or a form of assurance 4.)  To decrease stress

TYPES OF ANGER. Primarily there are three expressions of anger:  aggressive, passive, and assertive which are demonstrated through six polar dimensions:

  • Direction (internal vs. external)
  • Reaction (retaliatory vs. resistant)
  • Modality (physical vs. verbal)
  • Impulse (controlled vs. uncontrolled)
  • Objective (restorative vs. punitive)

Let’s take a moment and look at a variety of ways in which anger can be experienced.  (Adapted from Marcus Andrews article 10 Types of Anger)

ASSERTIVE ANGER:  You acknowledge your feelings and express yourself in a way that promotes change.  You do not ignore your feelings, avoid confrontation, or lash out physically or verbally.

BEHAVIORAL ANGER:  You lash out verbally or physically.  You throw or break things.  This type of anger is highly unpredictable and often causes legal or interpersonal struggles.

CHRONIC ANGER:  This type of anger is generalized and long standing.  It can produce issues with one’s health.  Often times this form of anger is also experienced as bitterness and resentment.

JUDGEMENTAL ANGER:  Experienced due to a real or perceived injustice. It can also be an experience of seeing other people as “less than” or inferior to you.   It is expressed in an air of righteous indignation and moral superiority.

OVERWHELMED ANGER:  Think of being stressed to your maximum capacity.  This can be caused from taking on too much responsibility, not having enough time to complete tasks, or just being inundated by challenging life circumstances.

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE ANGER:  You bury your feelings and avoid any direct confrontation.  You hide behind silence, sarcasm,stonewalling and behavioral hints that you are angry (such as murmuring under your breath, slamming doors or making noises in the kitchen)

RETALIATORY ANGER:  You instinctively  lash out when you have been hurt or wronged.  You deliberately seek revenge.  This type of anger is used to gain control over a person or situation.

SELF-ABUSIVE ANGER:  This is a shame based anger that materialized in the form of self-injurious behavior, negative self talk, or substance abuse.  It is steeped in a sense of hopelessness, worthlessness, and humiliation and can spill out on to others through our speech.

VERBAL ANGER:  Can be a form of psychological and emotional abuse in the form of threats, shouting, ridicule, humiliation, intimidation, and blaming.

VOLATILE ANGER:  This type of anger is intense and sudden this anger come one quickly and leaves quickly.   Big issues or small annoyances get the same volcanic effect.   People around you may walk on egg shells for fear of setting you off

So what can I do? 

Create and protect your boundaries.  (Particularly helpful when experiencing passive-aggressive anger, overwhelmed anger or chronic anger.)  As stated above, anger may indicate a need to create and protect boundaries.  Both of which are your right and responsibility.  Remember, the problem isn’t that you feel angry, the problem comes when you incorrectly manage or express your anger.  EVERYONE will feel angry at times!  Think about the reasons behind your anger.  Do you need to set some limits?  What are the things that you need or expect? Spend some time figuring out what boundaries have been violated or need to be established.  Write them down.

Boundaries with no consequences for violation is the same as having no boundaries at all.   Therefore it is important that you determine the consequences that will be enforced for the violation of those boundaries.   Take some time and reflect on what those consequences will be.  When creating the consequences remember to make sure you are both willing and able to enforce the consequences.  It will be your responsibility to enforce your boundaries.  Write down the consequences.

After you have determined what your boundaries and consequences are try using the “DEAR MAN” exercise to help express yourself.  D- Describe: Use clear and concrete terms to describe what you want or need.  E- Express: Let others know how a situation makes you feel by clearly expressing feelings. A- Assert: Don’t beat around the bush.  Say what you need to say.  R-Reinforce:  Reward people who respond well and reinforce why your desired outcome is positive.  M- Mindful.  Don’t forget the purpose of the interaction.  It can become easy to become sidetracked and loose focus.  A- Appear:  Appear confident.  Consider your tone, posture, eye contact and  body language.  N- Negotiate.  No one can have everything they want in all situations.  Be open and willing for negotiations.  It may be beneficial to write out your DEAR MAN prior to engaging in the discussion with the other person so that you will have a clear focus when you do engage.

Remove your self from the situation.  (Particularly helpful when experiencing verbal anger, volatile anger, or behavioral anger.)   Use breathing techniques to calm yourself down and switch your focus.  The breathing exercise known as 4:7:8 is believed to calm you central nervous system and thus reduces stress.  It is a natural tranquilizer…which can be extremely helpful when you are feeling a rash of anger welling up inside of you!  To do this exercise you will sit or stand up straight (it may be helpful to use a wall for posture as you learn the technique).  You will be inhaling through your nose and exhaling through your mouth.  Your tongue will be placed inside your mouth behind your top teeth throughout the entire exercise.  You will exhale by blowing the air out of your mouth while your tongue is still in place.  It will make a ‘whooshing’ sound.  To begin exhale all the air out of your lungs.  Now breathe in to the count of 4.  Hold your breath and count to 7.  Now exhale to the count of 8.  Repeat the cycle 3 more times for a total of 4 breaths.

Another exercise you can do which will allow you to focus on your breathing and hopefully distract you from a bit of the anger until you have time to generate a response rather then a volatile reaction is known as “breath counting”.  To do this you will simply breathe normally and count each time you exhale up to 5 times.  You can continue the cycle as many times as necessary until you are calm.  This exercise helps you to focus your attention and calms you at the same time.

Forgiveness. (Particularly helpful when experiencing retaliatory anger, judgmental anger, or chronic anger.)  One of the reasons anger can really hang on is because we are refusing to forgive the other person.  Instead we are choosing to replay the incidents repeatedly rehearsing all the offenses that were done.  When we do this we keep our anger on a constant slow boil never allowing it to cool down, this causes us to be in the position of continually having to deal with the angry feelings and often times consequences.  When we choose to forgive the other person it allows us to release the anger and begin the healing process.  Without forgiveness it is impossible to fully heal.  Before you discount the idea of forgiveness please look at the following article “Forgiveness:  What It Is and What It Is Not”  (https://confidenthope.blog/2018/02/06/forgiveness-what-it-is-and-what-it-is-not/).   If you do decide you need to forgive, but are unsure how to do it, the following article “How To Forgive” (https://confidenthope.blog/tag/forgive/) will walk you through the forgiveness process.

Mindfulness.  (Particularly helpful when experiencing self-harm anger.)  Mindfulness can be helpful when you are working through a variety of problems and issues.  For the emotion of anger, it allows you to separate from the emotion and experience it in a controlled setting which will allow you to explore the anger more fully from different angles.  Mindfulness simply means focusing one’s attention on the present moment while calmly accepting one’s thoughts, feelings, and sensations.  Mindfulness exercises are helpful with a variety of distressing emotions.  Here is a simple mindfulness exercise which you can practice to assist you when you feel angry.  Find a comfortable place where you can sit with your eyes closed.  Take a moment to become aware and notice how your body feels.  Inhale fully filling your lungs.  Then slowly exhale all the of the air.  Repeat this breathing exercises several times.  Now take a moment and remember a time when you felt angry.  Allow yourself to feel that anger again.  Take note of all the sensations you feel in your body.  Explore those sensations.  Are they hot or cold, intense or mild?  Now practice coming close to the anger without judgement or guilt.  Next let go of the feeling, release it.  To do this begin to refocus on your breathing.  Finally reflect on the experience you just went through.  How did it feel?  How did you get close to the anger without judgement?  What happened to the anger at that point?  This simple exercise may help you to gain more control over your emotional states as well as helping you tolerate situations which feel unmanageable in the moment.  (For more complete instructions visit:  https://www.mindful.org/mindfulness-of-anger/)

Truth.   (Particularly helpful when experiencing self-harm anger, retaliatory anger, or judgmental anger).  Sometime our anger is generated from misinformation or a lack of full understanding.  One of the things that may be helpful is to try to gain all the facts about a situation.  It may also be necessary to challenge yourself regarding any  cognitive distortions you may be personally engaging in which are fueling your fire. Listen to the conversations that are playing out in your head.  Are you using words like always or never?  Or perhaps there is a preponderance of shaming or blaming going on towards the other person or yourself.

Another aspect of truth pertains to that of injustice.  Sometimes things really aren’t fair, and that will no doubt cause a person to feel angry.  When these types of situations arise it may be helpful to remember that God is a god of justice.  Ultimately He will take care of the situation.  It is incredibly hard to sit still and wait on God’s timing, especially if you are watching the other person thrive amidst their wrong doing.  You may find it helpful to refocus on the things you can change and do have control over.  This will take time and continual practice.  There is no sense in watching them flourish while you sit by idly.  Focus on the things you can do to grow your self.  Continue to pray for both yourself and the other person.

Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord.  On the contrary:  “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.  In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”  Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. (Romans 12:17-21)

Here are a couple of links that can help you identify cognitive distortions and also assist you as you review the truthfulness of your thoughts.  “Beautiful Mess: Designed Thoughts”  (https://confidenthope.blog/2018/07/31/beautiful-mess-designed-thoughts/)  and “Cognitive Distortions:  When Your Brain Lies To You”  https://positivepsychologyprogram.com/cognitive-distortions/

Practice empathy and seeing things from the perspective of someone else. (Particularly helpful when experiencing judgmental anger)  When we are angry we don’t seem to have any trouble gathering “proof” to document our side of an argument…but what if we were to take some time to see the situation from the perspective of the other person?  Try for a moment to imagine what they are struggling with or how the situation is for them.  What reasons might they have had for what they did?  What emotions might they be experiencing?  What is it like for them to be on the other side of your anger?    By reflecting on what it is like for the other person you will gain a fuller, more complete understanding of the situation.  It may help soothe some of your anger.  Even if you are still angry after examining the experience from their perspective you may have the ability to address the situation in ways that are more helpful and compassionate.

Dealing with ANGER?  Here is your challenge:

As you review the types of anger above consider which ones you most frequently struggle with.  Do you tend to hold it in or give it full outward expression?

Select a situation in your life where you currently or recently have felt angry.  Choose one of the coping methods to apply to that particular situation.  Reflect and journal on how it went.

PRAYER: 

Heavenly Father,

I know that you created all emotions for a purpose.  I have to be honest.  Anger is probably my least favorite.  I hate feeling angry!  I hate it to the point that often I don’t even want to admit that I am angry.  It is such a powerful feeling and can create so much havoc in my life and the lives of others.  If I release it in the heat of the moment I end up saying and doing things that I later regret.  If I hold it in, it eats me alive and seeps out in so many other ways.

I know that you are familiar with the feeling of anger.  I know that you are a God who seeks justice.  And yet you are also loving and merciful. How do I mirror you?  How do I learn to express my anger in ways that will ultimately produce healing and restoration? 

Help me to submit to your authority.  Help me not to act out in vengeance.  Help me to trust you to grow me through the process of my anger.  Teach me to respond in love as you have called me to do, even when I am angry.  Teach me to be honest about my emotions and help me to express them in ways that will bring about healing and restoration.

In Jesus Name-Amen

SCRIPTURE:

 “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry,  and do not give the devil a foothold. (Ephesians 4: 26-27)

Fools give full vent to their rage,  but the wise bring calm in the end. (Proverbs 29:11)

A gentle answer turns away wrath,  but a harsh word stirs up anger. (Proverbs 15:1)

A hot-tempered person stirs up conflict,  but the one who is patient calms a quarrel. (Proverbs 15:18)

But keep away from foolish and ignorant arguments; you know that they end up in quarrels. As the Lord’s servant, you must not quarrel. You must be kind toward all, a good and patient teacher, who is gentle as you correct your opponents, for it may be that God will give them the opportunity to repent and come to know the truth. (2 Timothy 2:23-25)

Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord.  On the contrary:  “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.  In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”  Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. (Romans 12:17-21)

Let’s Talk About Grief and Depression (Designed: Emotions)

FB_IMG_1542070397682There she sat, staring at the floor with her shoulders slouched.  Her voice was small and shaky.  “How do you feel?” I asked.

“I feel fine, I guess.”  Weighted silence filled the room, before she took a deep breath and continued, “Honestly, I guess I feel kind of numb.  I’m really not sure how I feel.  I cry every time I step into the shower, or am driving my car, or if someone I love asks me how I am doing.  I don’t know what it is.  I just break out into tears.”  Her eyes began to water, and then her breathing changed and made way for sobs.

“Do you think you might be depressed?”  I asked.

“I don’t think so.  I have so many good things.  I can’t be depressed.  I mean life is hard for everyone……” and she continued on with her list of reasons why she couldn’t possibly be depressed.

Sometimes the depression is so deep and long standing, and you have tolerated it for so long that you no longer even recognize it as depression.   But there it lingers, causing havoc and chaos where you once had peace, contentment, and joy….now those things seem like a million light years away, a fantasy that was maybe never even real to begin with.

No one likes to admit to feeling depressed.  It is such a powerless, hopeless feeling.  Yet, all of us at times will feel the weight of depression in varying degrees and for various lengths of time.

Let’s take a closer look at that heavy feeling that causes you to feel like you are dragging around a 100 pound weight.  What exactly are the differences between sadness and depression?

According to Miriam-Webster dictionary; GRIEF is a “deep and poignant distress caused by or as if by bereavement” where as DEPRESSION is defined as “a state of feeling sad”.  Both involve degrees of sadness. Both grief and depression have many similarities in how they present, but the course they take and how they are treated is often quite different.  So let’s take a moment and examine each one separately before we look at the similarities.

GRIEF:  Grief can be caused by almost any type of loss, the most obvious being  a death.  However, one can also experience grief at the loss of a marriage, relationship, job, home, dream, ability etc.  Grief is a normal reaction to loss.  Typically, the grieving process includes five different stages:  1.) Denial 2.)Anger 3.)Bargaining 4.)Depression 5.)Acceptance.  Through the grieving process you will go through each of these stages at some point.  However, the stages aren’t linear; you do not go from stage 1, to 2, to 3, to completion.  It is far more common that you you will vacillate between different stages at different points until finally the intensity of your grief begins to subside. There is no designated amount of time for grieving.  The process will take varying amounts of time depending on the individual and the type of loss or losses that were experienced.  The treatment for grieving is simply time to work through the grieving process and a strong support system that will be patient and loving while you do the hard work of grieving.

DEPRESSION:  Depression can be a  normal response to a life situation, such as a loss or set back.  Or it can be a response to hormones, such as during a woman’s menstrual cycle or menopause.  Lastly, it can be caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain.  The cause of the depression will dictate which type of treatment and interventions will work.

Here are some potential indicators of grief and/or depression:

Physical Responses: Crying, fatigue, aches and pains, increased sensitivity to stress and pain, forgetfulness, inability to focus, decreased appetite, lack of energy, decreased immunity, lack of pleasure, excessive sleeping, restlessness, stomach aches, digestive issues, loneliness, letting responsibilities slide, poor hygiene.

Thoughts about Self: I am hopeless.  I will never change.  I am alone.  Things will never get better.  I would be better off dead.  Others would be better off without me.

Thoughts about God:  God is punishing me.  God doesn’t care about how I feel.  God has abandoned me.

Our action/tendency/response: Slow down. Withdraw. Isolate.

Men and women tend to manage their emotions differently especially when it comes to grief and depression.  Here are some of the distinguishing factors  in how the expression of depression may differ between women vs. men:

  • Women feel anxious and scared; men feel guarded
  • Women blame themselves for the depression; men blame others
  • Women commonly feel sad, worthless, and apathetic when depressed; men tend to feel irritable and angry
  • Women are more likely to avoid conflicts when depressed; men are more likely to create conflicts
  • Women turn to food and friends to self-medicate; men turn to alcohol, TV, sex, or sports to self-medicate
  • Women feel lethargic and nervous; men feel agitated and restless
  • Women easily talk about their feelings of self-doubt and despair; men hide feelings of self-doubt and despair-considering it a sign of weakness

*(https://www.psycom.net/depression.central.women.html)

Communication: There has been a loss. Things are not as they should be.

NEEDS. If there has been a loss of any type, big or small, there is a need to grieve and there will likely be some feeling of depression.   If the depression is stemming from a chemical or hormonal imbalance, medication may be needed.  It is always possible that working through the grieving process, in addition to lifestyle modifications and medication may be needed.

Reminder. While it would be great if you could just “cheer up and be happy” it doesn’t always work like that.   Changing the feelings associated with depression and grieving are a lot like trying to turn the Titanic around.  It’s a big job! A good place to begin, as you embark on the task of improving how you feel, is to take some control of your actions and thoughts.  This is where you have some power!  You have the right to all of your emotions.  Including your sadness, grief, and depression.  Honestly, sometimes it is healthy to sit with the sadness for a moment, to honor a memory, a loved one, or a dream.  Eventually, you will have a responsibility that will require you to move on and re-enter the world. At that point it is your responsibility to seek out whatever you need to improve those heavy emotions; it might be socialization, skills, lifestyle change, or medication.  Whatever it is you have a responsibility to get what you need to not be controlled by those emotions.  Remember, emotions are there to serve you, to help point out your needs, to allow you to have empathy for others.  They are not meant to crush or control you.

So, what can I do?

1.)  Here are some ideas if you are grieving a loss:  A.) Journal your loss, your feelings, and your process B.) Pray or meditate C.) Make a scrap book of memories D.) Visit with friends and family that love you, be open about what you are feeling and needing

2.)  Get a physical examination to determine if your depression has a physical cause such as a chemical or hormonal imbalance

3.) Get some physical exercise EVERY DAY!  Physical exercise releases the endorphins (dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin) in your brain which are natural mood regulators.  A daily dose of sunshine will increase those positive benefits.

4.)  Maintain a regular daily routine for meals and sleeping.   This will help restore balance to your system which will help regulate your emotions.

5.)  Be sure to create some small, measurable goals each day that you can achieve.  This will create a sense of accomplishment.

6.)  Do some thing that you used to enjoy.  Read a book, take a walk, play with a pet, watch a funny show or movie, listen to music, take a bubble bath, or create something.  Sometimes your emotions will change once you start engaging in the activity.

7.)  Challenge your thoughts.  Depression has a way of making everything look negative.  Saturate your mind with truth.  When you are facing negative self talk and negative thoughts; ask yourself, what would you say to a friend who was having those kinds of thoughts.

8.)  Depression breeds in isolation.  Talk with trusted friends or a counselor about things that are going on in your life.  Talking with people you trust can bring new insights and fuel hope.

9.)  If necessary take medication.  Some depression is from a chemical imbalance and truly needs medication.  For this type of depression the best results come from a combination of medication, lifestyle change, and talk therapy.  There is no shame in reaching out to get the help that you need.

Dealing with GRIEF AND DEPRESSION?  Here is your challenge:

1.)  Don’t let despair dictate your decisions.  I am reminded of the story of the Battle of Jericho.  Read the story in Joshua 5:13-6:27.  This is the second time the Israelites have come to the walls of Jericho.  The city is fortified and closed up, there is no way of getting in; but God has promised them victory.  God sets forth his plan.  They are to march around the city one time for six days in a row making no noise.  On the seventh day they are to march around the city seven times and then blow the trumpets and shout.  When they did that the walls came crashing down and the Israelites were able to go right in and take the victory that belonged to them.  Imagine if the Israelites gave up on the sixth lap around the city.  What if they had allowed what looked like a waste of time and energy, fuel their hopelessness and feed their despair?  They would have have walked away dejected and  never seen the victory, the would have never gotten the blessing that God wanted to give them.  They would have walked back to their homes defeated.  Instead in this moment they chose to trust God, obey his commands, and believe that things would be better in the future just as He had promised.

Question:  What feels hopeless?  What dreams and desires feel like they will never come to fruition? What has God asked you to do?

Are you willing to continue taking laps until your victory?

The challenge is to NEVER GIVE UP!

2.)  Build and alter.  Remember the things God has already done for you.  By remembering what God has already done, you will be increase your faith and your mood will not need to be dependent on your current circumstances.  Throughout the old testament God instructed his people to build alters as a reminder of what he had done.  In Joshua 4, after God parted the Jordan river for the Israelites, He instructed them to build an alter of remembrance.  He had them do this so that they would remember his might and power.  Whenever the Israelites would come into hard times that could look back at that visual representation and remember God’s ability to provide and rescue them.

Question:  What are some miracles God has done in your life?  How has He come through for you in the past?

Do you have things in your home that remind you of those victories (journals, notes, pictures)?  Rehearse how God has shown his faithfulness, goodness and mercy to you in the past.

The challenge is to NEVER GIVE UP!

3.) Remember God is in the resurrection business.  Scripture is laced with a theme of resurrection.  For something to be resurrected it must first die.  There is pain in the process of dying…whether it be the death of a career, a dream, a marriage or a loved one.  There is a sacredness in that space where God chooses to work.  When we have lost everything.  When we are desperate.  That is a space where we can relinquish our control, submit our will and allow God the freedom to work.  Once we release what has died, there is room for God to move in and work his miracles.  God is always taking something that was dead and breathing in new life.  He takes situations that seem hopeless and turns them into miraculous victories.  God promises that pain will only last for a moment.  In Isaiah 61:3 it says “He will bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, a garment of praise instead of despair”.

Question:  What have you lost that you need to bury?  What is hurting that needs healing?

Are you willing to allow God to create His masterpiece from the rubble of what was?

The challenge is to NEVER GIVE UP!

4.)  God is never late, He’s never early, He’s always on time.  This is a tough one for me personally.  In the middle of my pain I often feel like God is late.   I long for God to arrive early, for him to comfort me with the plan of what lies ahead as a reward for going through the suffering, but that is simply not how God works.  I imagine that Lazurus’s sisters Martha and Mary were struggling with Jesus’ timing.  In John 11, John tells the story of Lazurus.  Martha and Mary had sent word that their brother was ill and that they needed Jesus to heal him.  These were people who loved Jesus and whom Jesus loved.  Yet, from a human perspective it seems that Jesus stalled.  He didn’t even get to them until days after their brother had died.  Hope was gone.  Jesus didn’t arrive early enough to heal Lazurus.  Right when people were convinced that all hope was lost, this is where Jesus enters the scene and does a the miracle.  He raises Lazurus from the dead.  His timing was perfect for allowing a miracle that couldn’t have been preformed if he had arrived on the scene early.

QUESTION:  What are you waiting on God for?  What do you need him to do?

Are you willing to trust His timing?

The challenge is to NEVER GIVE UP!

PRAYER:

Heavenly Father,

My heart is so heavy sometimes.  I can barely see through my tears.  My chest actually hurts as I feel my heartbreaking.  I want to move forward but I feel paralyzed by my circumstances.  I am uncertain how to get out of this deep pit that I have fallen into.

I know that you are a God who sees me and who loves me, but I feel alone, small, and abandoned.  I am scared.  Please help me to trust you.  I want to believe that you will create a way out…that you will do a miracle for me.  Remind me that you are still in control and are able to handle all that I am experiencing.  Remind me that no problem is too big for you to solve.  Remind me that you have a plan and a purpose for all of this pain that I am experiencing. 

I can remember times when you have done good things for me.  Thank you for the good things you have given me.  Thank you for the obstacles that I have already overcome.  Thank you for your promise that you never leave me, no matter what I’ve done or have not done.  Thank you for the promise that you are an ever present help in my time of trouble.  I ask that you once again come through on my behalf.

In Jesus Name- Amen

SCRIPTURE:

Story of the Jordan River:  Joshua 4

Story of Jericho: Joshua 6

Story of Lazurus: John 11

The Year of The Lord’s Favor: Isaiah 61

2 Peter 3:8 “But do not forget this one thing, dear friends:  With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day.”

Proverbs 17:22 “A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.”

Proverbs 13:12 “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.”

 

How To Make An Important Decision

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Should I stay in this relationship? Should I move? Should I go back to school? Should I change careers? We are constantly making decisions, BIG decisions, that effect our lives and the lives of those we love. For some people the decision making process is a very logical process and they consider only the facts. For others it is an emotional process where only feelings are considered, and for still others decisions are made simply be the default of not actually making a decision. Throughout my career I have had the opportunity to assist people as they work through making life changing decisions. However, it wasn’t until I myself was overwhelmed with the need to make a series of very serious life changing decisions that I developed a formula through which I could process the information and make those tough decisions. I have found that by working through this process I am easily able to see various aspects of the situation and take multiple factors into consideration. When I use this process I am able to stand secure and confident in the decision I have made and still be flexible to new information. I hope you will find it helpful as well.

In steps 1-4 you are simply examining the situation as it is now. As you take these things into consideration you may be able to gain a deeper understanding of the situation which will later help you come up with solutions.

STEP 1: Define the problem or situation. What does the problem or situation look like? Write out the situation exactly as you currently see it and express why a change may need to be made.

STEP 2: Get the facts. What are the facts relating to the problem or situation as it is at this moment? What specific things are making you desire to make a change? What is the history that led up to this situation.

STEP 3: Attend to your feelings. How do you feel about the situation? Remember you may have mixed feelings about any situation. You can love and hate someone at the same time. You are simply acknowledging your feelings as they relate to the situation and the facts. So consider the good, bad and the ugly; this is a judgment free zone.

STEP 4: Guiding lights. Are there any moral principals, values, or expectations that are entwined in the situation? For example: Loyalty to family or friends, religion or beliefs etc. Pay special attention to your personal expectations of yourself or others that may need to be examined or adjusted. Also, if you are a christian you will want to be sure you are spending time in God’s word and in prayer asking the Holy Spirit to help guide you.

In steps 5-7 you will consider the opinions of others. You will also consider the effect of the situation and it’s potential outcomes on others who my be effected by your choices.

STEP 5: Consult your support people. These are the friends, family, or mentors in your life that you are willing to let see the real you. These are people whose opinions you respect, the ones who will be honest with you because they love you. There is no magical number of people, but typically I suggest you limit your choice to 3 or 4 people. Let them know some of the details of your situation. Ask them to pray for you and about the situation. Ask them to share their thoughts and ideas about potential solutions to the situation. This step is important because sometimes others will see things you miss and they may be able to offer valuable insight. Also, remember that while you are asking their opinions, you will ultimately be making the decision yourself. You are asking because you are in the process of gathering more information to help you make a good decision.

STEP 6: Consult with a professional. By reaching out to someone who is familiar with the situation you are going through you may find there are more solutions and resources available to you. The person you choose might be a counselor, a real estate agent, or a professor. The idea is to find some one with information to share from an area of expertise on the subject of your problem or one of your potential solutions. This step is meant to be an information gathering step. Ask lots of questions and be prepared to take notes!

STEP 7: Consider other’s perspectives. How does your partner view the situation? What about your children, parents and friends? How will making changes effect the people in your life? This is step will help you empathize with the other people in your life. The reason this step is so important is because as you make these decisions it is these people who will create the greatest source of comfort and motivation or distress. Attending to these issues now will help you to address their arguments and concerns when they arise later. They may not be in agreement with you, but at least you will have thought about how to give a thoughtful response to their concerns.

In steps 8-12 you engage in the process of defining a course of action. It is in these steps that you will set your course for your future.

STEP 8: Define your desired outcomes. What would you like to see happen? What would you like your life to look like in this area in the next 5 years? This is the dream step! Allow yourself to dream about the life you want! What does it look like? Take the time to write it out and reflect on it.

STEP 9: List possible options. Consider both the problem and the dream. List all possible courses of action including continuing to do what you have always done. For each course of action write out the pros and cons.

STEP 10: Choose course of action. Evaluate all the choices select one course of action to follow that will help you attain your desired outcome. What do you need to do to pursue that course of action? Decide what action steps you need to do and develop a timeline to get things done in. You may find it helpful to work with one or more of the people you identified in steps 5 and 6 to help you develop a specific plan and help hold you accountable for taking each of the steps.

STEP 11: Consider the obstacles. What are the obstacles that may hinder you in following this course of action? What may stand in your way or block you? Obstacles may come in the form of practical limitations such as education, finances, or safety. They may even come in the form of people or expectations. Make a specific plan for addressing each of the obstacles.

STEP 12: Implement the plan. Follow the plan you outlined in step 10. As you go through the plan continue to evaluate how things are going and making adjustments as new information comes in and as situations arise. Remember you can be flexible in your plan and make adjustments to move you closer to your desired outcomes and dreams.

Congratulations!! You have made it all the way to the end of the decision making process.