She was abused and that’s why she….(fill in the blank).
What did you choose to fill that in with? That’s why she hates men. That’s why she advocates for others. That’s why she doesn’t trust anyone. That’s why she clings to people. That’s why she keeps to herself. That’s why she looks for attention.
How you chose to fill in that blank may have more to do with your own personal experiences then with the actual truth. As you looked at that sentence and filled in the blank, how old was the girl you pictured? What type of abuse did she endure? Who perpetrated that abuse? How did she handle the abuse? None of that information was provided in the question, yet you came up with an answer. How you came up with the answer probably has a lot to do with your personal experiences and memories.
Each person is comprised of a unique set of experiences throughout their lifetime. Even though we may go through similar things, how we process the information is based on our individual personality, our genetic make-up, and our environment. All of these things combine to mold each experience into an intensely personal unique event. From those series of events we create a lens through which we predict outcomes, view the world, and see other people. Throughout your life time these views and expectations are subject to change because you are always acquiring new information and assimilating it through your own unique way of viewing the world. This is why two people can experience the same exact event and recall it differently. Likewise people who experience the same event can be affected or be changed in different ways. One example would be of two twin children from the same family, treated in the same manner who grew up in poverty. One of them may continue the lifestyle, being trapped and bound by the circumstances he was brought up in and attribute it to the fact that he was raised in poverty. The other child may break out of that cycle and become a wealthy person and attribute it to the fact that he was raised in poverty. Both would honestly be stating their experience, their memory, and their reasoning; as well as correctly attributing the outcome in part to their previous experiences.
Before we dig too deeply into the subject, let’s quickly review what each of these words mean.
World View: a particular philosophy of life or conception of the world.
Belief: an acceptance that a statement is true or that something exists.
Values: a person’s principles or standards of behavior; one’s judgment of what is important in life
Expectations: a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future.
Our experiences shape our world view, beliefs, and values. What you experience in your lifetime will effect how you see people and what you treasure. You may see people as primarily good or as primarily bad. Perhaps you believe that people are usually out for themselves, or perhaps you believe that everyone really is looking out for each other. Maybe you have taken great risks and it has turned out well so you continue to take big risks believing it will work out. Or maybe you have been very careful throughout your life and that has helped you to always be prepared for events that have come your way. There are many things that have gone into creating the unique person you are with the unique way of looking at the world that you have. This is part of the treasure of who you are and what you have to offer the world.
Our experiences shape our expectations. If every Christmas since I was born I would wake up Christmas morning to a happy family and bunches of presents, it is safe to assume that I will probably expect that the next time Christmas comes I will be anticipating a good day. On the other hand, if Christmas was always a time when my family members fought, there were no gifts, and people were miserable, it is likely that I will expect that on the next Christmas morning things will not go well. Both sets of expectations are shaped by previous experiences. We all have expectations, bias, and values that are a result of our experiences. Often times they are so intrinsic, so woven into who we are, that we don’t even realize they are there until someone does or says something that we would have never expected or anticipated. In that moment we struggle through confusion to understand their way of thinking or defend our way of thinking.
Not everything that happens to you is your fault. Sometimes our memories and previous experiences create a scenario in our minds that we are to blame for the bad things we have endured. While it is true that sometimes our poor choices have led to specific consequences, it is also true that we sometimes have negative experiences through no fault of our own. If your parents divorced, you suffered abuse, you were neglected, you were abandoned, you were the victim of a crime or some other trauma it did not stem from your own doing. However, it is still true that it is a part of your experience and will still undoubtedly shape your your expectations, beliefs, world view and values. Children are especially prone to magical thinking in which they will believe they are the cause of many of life’s bad experiences. That type of thinking can easily follow a child into adulthood keeping them in bondage to a faulty belief system about who they are and what they are worth. These experiences will also effect how you see and experience other people in the future.
Not all memories give a complete picture. As humans we are limited to our own experience. We can empathize with another person’s experience, but we can not 100% experience things they way they experience them, and we can not process they events exactly as they process them. Even if we experience the same exact experience we will each capture, internalize, and assimilate different aspects of the experience. For example a husband and wife may have a child who gets into trouble with drugs, yet each parent will experience that struggle differently. They will each highlight different parts of that struggle. They will each respond in their own unique way to that pain. In later years when asked to recall the event it is likely that they will each have a slightly different version of the story because different things stood out to them. This is one of the reasons that collateral testimonies are collected. Not necessarily because people are lying, but simply because they are remembering different parts. So, when you are rehearsing your memories remember that there is room for other vantage points that could still be true even though different, of the same event.
Your experiences help shape you, they don’t define you. Your experiences are part of who you are, but they are not the sum total. If you have suffered with addiction, depression, divorce, infertility, abuse (the list could go on forever!)….YOU ARE NOT WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO YOU! You can only be defined by your creator! He has the final say on who you are. (Review the article on Designed: Identity at https://confidenthope.blog/?s=identity) Never allow your experiences to decide for you what you will become or accomplish. You are substantially more then all of your experiences. You exist outside of them.
You can choose differently. One of the great things about being human is that you can make choices. You can choose to acknowledge some of the things that have happened to you and decide how you want to respond in the future. It may take some practice, especially if you have been responding one way for your whole life and now you are deciding you will be doing things differently…BUT IT CAN BE DONE!
You can allow other people to be different than you. Once you are aware that your experiences have shaped your world views, expectations and values you can allow other people to have their unique sets of values, views, and expectations. You do not disappear simply because other people exist. Their experiences have helped them become the people they are today.
Own your experiences and memories. Good or bad your experiences happened. They were real. You lived through them. Be honest with yourself and others about what has happened to you in your lifetime and how you recall those events and how they shaped you. They are a part of you who you are. Wear your physical and emotional scars with dignity because it is evidence that you survived and that gives hope to others. Be aware that those experiences will color how you see other things.
Fault and responsibility. While you may not be at fault for everything that has happened to you, you do bear the responsibility to manage those experiences and how they play out in your everyday life. For example, if I were to step on your foot and break it, that would be my fault. However the responsibility to get medical treatment for healing would be up to you. Even though I would be at fault I can not see the doctor, get the x-rays, wear the cast, or do the physical therapy needed to recover. Only you can do those things. Many things that happen may be the fault of someone else, they may not be fair, they may hurt, and you may have every right to all the thoughts and feelings that go along with the experience. Just bear in mind that you also have the responsibility to acknowledge what you experienced and how it has effected you. You can take responsibility and use your experiences to help you into the kind of person you desire to be or you can allow those experiences to shape you into their mold.
I can’t help but think of the women at the well. The fact that she had gone to get water in the heat of the day seems to indicate that her experiences had taught her that she would be ridiculed by the other women, so she learned to adjust her behavior to avoid their scorn. She had learned to value hiding who she was and possibly had secretly accepted the truth of their accusations into her heart. Initially she seemed to respond to Jesus with suspicion asking questions and giving limited answers. Perhaps through her experiences with men she had learned to be cautious with men. Or maybe she had learned that men were deceptive, not to be trusted. Either way in her limited time with Jesus it appears that her previous expectations, beliefs and views were challenged and possibly changed. When Jesus asked her about her husband and she gave him a veiled answer. Jesus spoke truth to her, He challenged her, He treated her with dignity and offered her hope. I believe through her experience with Jesus her views changed, and from there her life changed. Just think….Now her story is one of hope! She is included in the Bible, not as a shame filled, disgraceful woman, but instead as someone who carries the light and hope of Jesus. Her past experiences led her to the one who could redeem her!
That’s what Jesus can do for us too. He can heal our past experiences. He doesn’t make them disappear, but He can redeem them for good. He can use every single thing that you have ever been through to His glory. None of you pain will ever be wasted when you put it in Jesus’ hands.
Story of the woman at the well. (John 4:4-42)
As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today. (Genesis 50:20)
You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book. (Psalm 56:8)
For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. (Ephesians 2:10)
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! (2 Corinthians 5:17)
And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony, and they did not love their lives to the death. (Revelation 12:11)
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. (Romans 8:28)
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. (2 Corinthians 1:3-4)
You have seen me on my darkest days. You know of all the things I have done wrong. Every. Single. Thing. Still you choose to use me. You seek me out. You pursue me and allow me to be a part of your master plan.
You also know of the pain I have suffered at the hands of others. You have seen every tear I have cried…and your heartbreaks under the weight of the pain I have endured. Even in my darkest hour You never abandoned me. Even when I was filled with bitterness, resentment, and hatred toward those who had done me wrong, You didn’t turn your back on me, or hide your face from me.
Help me to allow you to shine through all of my experiences. Redefine how I interpret all of my memories and experiences so that they are in perfect alignment with your truth. Help me to think with your mind, with your spirit, with your heart. Heal me in ways that will bring Your hope to others that they might know that you are God and an ever present help in times of trouble.
Thank you that you are my Redeemer!
In Jesus Name- Amen
1.) Think for a moment on the events from your childhood. Remember some of your greatest, most fond moments. What did they teach you about yourself? What did you learn about the people in your life? Now think about some of the lowest, saddest, most hurtful times. What did they teach you about yourself? What did you learn about the people in your life? Now, think about the truth and hope of Jesus. Allow Him to shed light, love, and truth on those experiences. When you look through His eyes how do you see yourself? How do you see others?
2.) What values and world views do you hold? How did you come to those conclusions? Why are they important to you? Compare them to scripture. What does the Bible say?
1.) In your journal draw a line through the middle of one of the pages. Below the line write your most memorable negative experiences. The more negative they were the lower you write them. Above the line write your most positive experiences. The more positive they are the higher you write them. Write them in chronological order. Journal what you learned from each of those experiences? How do they still affect you today? Take them to the Lord in prayer.
2.) What are some things that bring back strong memories for you? Ex. a certain song, a certain smell, a specific place. Recall the memory in detail. Try to get a sense of what other people in the memory may have thought, felt or experienced. *Do NOT do this with any memory that is specifically tied to abuse or trauma.
3.) Ask a someone about their personal experiences, memories, values, beliefs. Learn about their values and world views. Try to listen without defending your own position. Try to understand their experience from their perspective. If necessary allow yourself to disagree without needing to vocalize your disagreement. Process your own feelings about the conversation in your journal after the experience.